


Breathe

by kooili



Category: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Genre: Angst, F/F, Internal Monologue, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 21:25:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 24,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12873348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kooili/pseuds/kooili
Summary: Sara is behaving strangely. Catherine thinks Grissom is the cause, but should she be looking closer to home?





	1. Chapter 1

Catherine rounded the corner thumbing the folder in her hand. She’d just spent the last eighteen hours of her life scrutinising and dissecting the evidence and it had finally paid off. O’Reilly was on the way with a warrant to pick up the perp and she was looking forward to going home and getting some sleep. All she had to do was to hand in her report to Grissom and give him the final update. He wasn’t in his office but that wasn’t a complete surprise. The case he was working on involved bugs so there were no prizes in guessing where he would be. She strode down the hallway and was about to enter the lab when she stopped short at the doorway. The two bodies in the room were so caught up in what they were doing that they were oblivious to her presence a few feet away. Sara was leaning over Grissom’s shoulder while he peered through a magnifier on the table.

Catherine immediately recognised the soft doe-eyed, almost wistful look that Sara had on her face as she listened to Grissom. It was as if she had walked into a secret meeting for the members of the Gil Grissom admiration society. All one of them. She sighed inwardly. It was almost embarrassing to watch. Sara was as infatuated as Grissom was oblivious.

“Having fun with your friends, Gil?”

The brunette jerked back instantly, her face flushed red. She quickly averted her gaze to the floor at the sound Catherine’s voice.

_ Like a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar. _

Grissom was unaware of her reaction, his eye still glued to the magnifier as he analysed the six-legged specimen under the scope.

“This is evidence from my case. Looks like the insects may have solved this one again,” Grissom announced with a self-satisfied look on his face when he finally lifted his head from the desk.

“Congratulations to the bugs,” Catherine replied dryly.

“Working back from the linear regression calculations based on the size of the pupae and maggots we found on the body, I should be able to confirm the time frame of the crime.” Grissom was explaining before bending over to resume peering through the magnifier on the table.

Great, just want she needed to hear after a long shift.

“Yes, yes...entomology is our friend.  As much as I’d like to stay and chat, I just came by to drop off the paperwork on the case I was working on. You guys are just going to have to have fun without me.”

Sara’s face turned even redder than before as she continued to ignore Catherine and pretend as if she wasn’t in the room.

“Was working on?” Grissom finally queried with tilt of his head.

“Yes. I’ve tied up all the loose ends on the kidnapping case. The victim made the ID and O’Reilly should be booking the suspect down at the PD as we speak. So, unless something huge falls out of the sky in the next,” she glanced at her watch before continuing, “two minutes, I’m out of here.”

Grissom looked as if he were about to say something but decided to wave her out of the office before going back to the evidence. Catherine didn’t need to be told twice. She perched her  folder onto a substantial pile of paperwork on a corner of Grissom’s desk, relieved to see the back of it. That last case was tough and it didn’t help that the team had been pulling more double shifts lately than she could remember for a long time.

“Later guys…”

She turned to leave but not before glancing at the third person in the room. Sara hadn’t spoken a word since she entered the lab and Catherine was convinced that something had happened or at the very least, she had interrupted something that was happening. Sara refused to meet her gaze and continued staring at the floor, intent on avoiding eye contact with anything that wasn’t furniture. Catherine was just glad to get out of the room. Something was going on between the two of them and she had a pretty good idea what it was from the look on Sara’s face. She just hoped for her sake that she didn’t walk into an embarrassing situation one day.

Catherine headed for the locker room as she attempted to clear the random image forming in her mind. She shook her head as she tried to gather her thoughts before realising how tired she was. Definitely too tired to try and figure out how someone as logical and sensible as Sara Sidle could act like a lovesick teenager around a man who was as clueless about her feelings as Gil Grissom. It seemed to be getting worse lately. The incident in the lab was the third time she had caught Sara red-faced around Grissom this week. And it was only Tuesday.

“Disaster waiting to happen..” she muttered to herself . It really wasn’t her concern and she just wanted to go home. Bed and then time with Lindsey were waiting for her.


	2. Chapter 2

Catherine had her head in her locker when a loud clang next to her made her pull out of it. The locker room was long and narrow and the sound echoed loudly. A few heads turned in her direction momentarily before going back to what they were doing once it was clear there wasn’t anything to see. Catherine glanced towards the noise and winced inwardly when she realised it was Sara and she seemed to be rummaging frantically through her locker. The brunette seemed to be in a great hurry.

“Whoa, where’s the fire?”

Sara must not have heard her. Either that or she was just refusing to acknowledge Catherine’s presence. Catherine sighed, putting two and two together. There wouldn’t be any prizes for guessing how things went after she left Grissom and Sara, judging from her disposition. What confirmed it for her was the fact that Sara continued to ignore her even though Catherine was now openly staring. It wasn’t her concern, but the drawn look on Sara’s face was a definite sign that something wasn’t right. Something tugged at her conscience and she knew she couldn’t just walk off without saying something.

“Sara?”

Catherine took a step closer and reached out to place a hand on Sara’s shoulder when she didn’t get a response. She might as well have touched a live wire.

“What do you want? ” Sara practically hissed as she visibly flinched at the feel of Catherine’s hand on her shoulder before shrugging it off roughly.

Catherine pulled back, surprised and momentarily embarrassed by the strength of Sara’s reaction. Her embarrassment lasted mere seconds before instinct kicked in. She took a step back and stared angrily into dark eyes.

“Jeez…whatever pissed you off, don’t take it out on me. Didn’t mean to interrupt your  _ date _ earlier.” It was a cheap shot but that was what she did best when she was in defensive mode.

Sara froze at those words, her face paling.

Catherine’s irritation faded a little at the change of colour on Sara’s face. This wasn’t the first time had Sara taken out her frustration by being hostile to Catherine. In the past, Catherine would react with her own brand of passive-aggression or just ignore her, thinking that Sara would eventually realize she was banging her head against the wall. It wasn’t working. Sara needed a harsh dose of truth to wake her up.

“Sara, this thing with Gil…just because things haven’t worked out the way you wanted…”

The pale pallor instantly reversed and a flush rose in its place.

“What the hell do you know about what I want?” Sara slammed the metal door shut before turning to face Catherine.

“Look, all I’m saying is that you need to talk to him or get it out of your system before it tears you apart.”

In Sara’s mind, Catherine’s face was full of pity and that was the last thing she needed right then. The blonde caught a fleeting look of panic on Sara’s face as she turned away abruptly. She was about to ask if everything was okay when the brunette replied by slamming her palm against the door of her locker with a loud bang.

“Just leave me alone and mind your own damn business,” Sara practically growled as she grabbed her bag and stormed out of the locker room without giving her a second look.

Catherine felt the anger build inside her and any feeling of concern evaporated. Well, if Grissom wasn’t noticing her she deserved it, with an attitude like that. Packing up her things, Catherine headed out to her car, determined not to give any more thought to this incident.

*****************************

Catherine groaned as her eyes protested painfully in an attempt to adjust to the relentless Vegas sunlight the moment she stepped out the door. She rifled through her bag, cursing softly to herself  when she couldn’t find what she was looking for, realising why they weren’t there.

“Damn it.” She could see her sunglasses sitting on a shelf in her locker where she’d left them yesterday. Catherine briefly considered braving the drive home without them but the mild ache that was building across her brow from the short spell of squinting made her mind up for her. She sighed as she pushed open the glass door and re-entered the building. Her blow up with Sara had obviously distracted her.

_ Why do I even let her get to me, anyway ? _

The guys normally tiptoed around Sara when she got into her murderous moods. No-one dared to reach out.

_ This is what I get for trying. _

The next time Grissom shot her down, Catherine was just going to mind her own damn business and let Sara self-destruct. No more playing nice. It was time Sara learned that the world did not revolve around her and her failures.

Catherine re-entered the same room she had left just minutes ago and retrieved the sunglasses from her locker. The soft click as she shut the door reverberated louder than it usually would now that the narrow room was empty. Everyone from graveyard had already left and day shift was in full swing. She was alone. At least, she thought she was until she heard muffled sniffling noises coming from the alcove at end of the room that was normally unused.

Her head told her to get the hell out of there and go home but curiosity got the better of her. She moved quietly. Whoever it was obviously wanted privacy judging from the fact that they were still here at this hour so she moved silently to get a closer look at the figure. A dark head was buried in a pair of shaky hands. Even with the back towards her, Catherine could tell from the way the slender body was shuddering that tears must be streaming down her face.

It was Sara. Crying. Alone. Sara who never showed any weakness, was agonized enough to have to break down in the locker room. Catherine’s insides sank a little, mentally cursing Grissom for his ignorance. And her own bluntness. Part of her wanted to reach out and comfort Sara. But she held back. As the sobs subsided, Catherine turned around and walked out of the locker room silently. The last thing that Sara needed was for someone to see her like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I should have warned that I wrote in very short chapters back in the day so bear with me :)


	3. Chapter 3

_ Fuck…  _

She hated this feeling. Hated being embarrassed and this was the third time this week Sara had felt her face flush red in front of Catherine. That woman must be telepathic. She seemed to know exactly where and when Sara would potentially make a fool of herself. And the younger woman never failed to oblige, every single time.

As Grissom went on about his bugs and the case, Sara wished the floor would open and swallow her up. Or at least her face would return to its usual colour. And her heartbeat return to normal. The best she could manage was to fall back on the “Sara look”. It was bad enough having all these feelings inside but to be caught made it a million times worse. Fortunately Catherine didn’t linger long and the tightness in her chest loosened slightly. She needed to leave and mumbled a vague goodbye before Grissom started a fresh lecture on fly mating habits. He gave her a distracted nod before focussing again on the specimen he was analysing. Sara wasn’t sure he would have noticed she was gone if she had just left quietly.

Catherine was in the locker room when Sara entered.

_ Shit. _

The last person she needed to see. The bands round her chest tightened again and Sara decided that speed was of the essence. She ripped open her locker door, wincing when it banged loudly against the one next to it. She began grabbing everything she would need -wallet, phone and keys - and stuffed them all into her bag in record time. Sara was so hell-bent on getting out of the locker room as quickly as possible that she didn’t realise Catherine had taken a step closer. She nearly jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

“What do you want?” She hissed, desperate to cover her surprise and instantly pulled back from the physical contact. That simple action was enough to unravel her self-control.

“Jeez… whatever pissed you off, don’t take it out on me. Didn’t mean to interrupt your  _ date _ earlier.”

Her chest tightened painfully as the words reminded her yet again of what she couldn’t have.  If only Catherine really knew what she wanted.

_ Catherine. On the floor, on the bench, against the locker door, entwined around my body… _

Her imagination was taking on a life of its own at the worst possible time.

She barely saw the look on Catherine’s face or heard her harsh retort. Sara knew that she would be completely dismantled if she met Catherine’s gaze and she did not want to break down and embarrass herself twice in one morning. She just wanted to get the hell out of there.

“Sara, this thing with Gil…just because things didn’t work out the way you wanted…”

That did it. Catherine just had to rub it in. Harsh reality and the look of pity Catherine gave her  shattered her fantasy into a million pieces and she lost the last bit of control she was clinging on to. Sara wasn’t sure how she managed to make her voice work as she slammed her hand onto the locker door.

“Just leave me alone and mind your own damn business.”

The look on Catherine’s face was full of pity and Sara knew from the movement of her lips that she was speaking. She barely heard the words as she struggled to keep  her emotions in check. Sara knew that she had blurted out a harsh response in reflex. She practically ran out of the locker room, desperate to leave before the blonde could see the tears that were now flowing down her cheeks uncontrollably. She did not want to be seen like that. Turning the corner, she was grateful to see that the corridor was empty. She took a deep breath and leaned her forehead against the wall, closing her eyes as she attempted to calm herself.

_ Breathe, Sara, just breathe… _

The world started coming back into focus as air filled her chest again.

Sara heard rather than saw Catherine leave the locker room. As her footsteps faded away, she steadied herself and walked back towards the now deserted locker room and settled into her favourite corner. She had sat in this very spot many a time after shift when she needed to gather her thoughts. Right now, her thoughts couldn’t sink any lower and she didn’t have the energy to claw her way out of them. She felt like the biggest failure on earth.

_ And why wouldn’t you be, Sara…you screwed up on an epic scale this time. _

The only person she yearned for did not know, could not possibly know in a thousand years how she felt. Every time she worked up enough courage to get close, no, just hint at a possibility of getting close, she was pushed away. And so she chose shutting herself off behind a wall of passive aggression instead. It was the only way she could think of to keep herself sane - pushing away from the one thing she wanted more than anything else in her life. This latest blow up only served to remind her that it was an exercise in futility. Why did she have to want the one thing that she knew she could never have? How had she allowed her life to become so pathetic?

Alone at last, she let her emotions go as wave after wave of sobs racked through her body. When the tears dried up, she suddenly felt so empty and exhausted. Every single thought and feeling she’d been struggling with all this time seemed to collapse into one single moment of confusion, loneliness, longing and fear. The realization that she had nothing worthwhile in her life took the air out of her chest. Catherine’s words in the locker room were practically mocking her as they resonated in her head. The tightness in her chest grew exponentially and it was getting increasingly painful to just breathe.

Sara forced herself to take a huge gulp of air as she pushed off the bench and walked towards her locker again. She pulled the door open, knowing that she had just what she needed tucked away in a corner.

Sleep. She needed a sweet, dreamless, painless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cheating a little as this is just the last chapter from a different perspective. Sorry...


	4. Chapter 4

Catherine’s face broke into a smile as she entered the break room. The smell of Greg’s Blue Hawaiian coffee meant that she wouldn’t have to settle for the usual dregs. It made a nice change to have actual coffee rather than caffeine molecules swimming about in hot water.  The lab tech was nowhere to be seen so he must be feeling generous. Either that or the source of the beans was likely to be questionable. 

She didn’t really care and if there was subterfuge involved, she wanted to drink the evidence before it was too late. Her mug was filled and laced with the usual amount of sweetener in a smooth motion and she practically hummed in delight as she took a first sip. Sleep and time  with Linds chatting about school and friends had put her in an upbeat mood for the night. She had swung by Grissom’s office on her way in to check everything was tied up on her last case but the room was empty.

“Seen Grissom around? I’ve looked in his office and I can’t find him. Did I miss assignments?”

Nick looked up from the sofa and tossed aside the sports section he’d been flipping through.

“No and no. And in case you’re wondering, you beat everyone here tonight except me.” He had a huge smirk on his face as he stood and stretched. “Am I the only one around who is actually interested in being here on time and solving crimes?” The smirk grew into a full blown grin as he threw his hands up in mock exasperation.

“When we find Grissom, I’ll remind him to give you a pat on the back.” Catherine grinned as she swerved just in time to avoid Nick’s playful swat at her arm.

“Hey, maybe he’s decided to give us the night off.”

Catherine chuckled dryly at his wishful comment. “Yeah, right. And the cow jumped over the moon…”

“Who’s the cow? Are we having a nursery rhyme recital night? Or are we experimenting on cattle now?” Warrick ducked his head through the doorway.

_ Everyone’s a wise guy tonight. _

“You’re killing me but grasshopper would probably be a better analogy. ” Catherine shook her head to clear that image. “Have you seen Grissom?”

“No, but I was running late and just got here. Has he given out the slips for tonight?”

Nick’s face had the biggest see-what-I-mean smirk on it. Catherine’s reply was a small conceding nod.

“No. Seems like you managed to beat the boss in for once, but I’m sure he’s on his way. Probably caught up with traffic. Or insects.”

There was only so much small talk and banter about having the night off before it all settled into an uncomfortable silence. Shift had started half an hour ago and there was still no sign of Grissom anywhere. He was never late and it wasn’t like him to just disappear without leaving word. That man lived for his work – the evidence, the bugs. Catherine’s mind drifted to their last conversation and from what she could recall, everything was going well with his case.

Fifteen minutes later, Catherine’s patience finally broke. They couldn’t just sit there waiting aimlessly all night. She pulled out her phone, vaguely hoping that there would be a message or missed call waiting. Needless to say there wasn’t and Catherine wasn’t going to leave another voicemail. Three was her limit without running out of things to say. She looked up and shook her head to answer the questioning looks on Warrick and Nick’s faces.

“Maybe we should check the labs...”

Warrick shook his head. “Passed DNA on my way in and Greg Sanders had  _ Bring Me Back To Life _ blasting so loud my head hurt after two seconds, so he’s definitely not anywhere near. Amy Lee is not Grissom’s idea of sound, let alone music.”

Catherine agreed immediately and from the grimace on Nick’s face, he wasn’t arguing either.

“So where next?”

They were instinctively looking to her for a lead but this time, she was clueless as they were. Catherine shrugged before offering the first suggestion that came into her head.

“Divide and conquer?”

Warrick and Nick seemed almost relieved to have any kind of a distraction and were soon headed down opposite ends of the lab.

Catherine sighed softly as they disappeared from her line of sight. She wasn’t hopeful but at least it gave them something to do. Catherine pulled out her phone and redialed Grissom’s number only to be redirected to his voicemail for the fourth consecutive time. She was about to put her phone away when a persistent tug on the corner of her conscience made her pause. Her fingers scrolled through the buttons and menus before stopping near the end of her contact list. Gil was missing but so was Sara. She had every justification to try and make contact but her finger froze just as she was about to press the call button.

_ She’s probably asked for a night off after this morning. _

It sounded like a lame excuse but Catherine shoved the idea into a corner of her mind and justified it by the distraction of tracking down the errant Gil Grissom. Catherine was the last one back to the break room half an hour later and the looks on Nick and Warrick’s faces told her that they had hit a wall. Between the three of them they had checked every room in the building including Greg’s house of noise, the garage and even the washrooms. Still no Grissom. The idea of filing a 418 on their boss was becoming an increasingly unpleasant possibility.

“Maybe he and Sara eloped, since she isn’t here either. Hey, either that or she’s playing hooky tonight as well.” Nick waggled his eyebrows at the sceptical look on Warrick’s face.

Catherine winced at the mention of Sara. Her thoughts flashed back to the locker room incident and what she’d borne witness to. From the mood Sara had been in, it was safe to conclude that hell would sooner freeze over. She was about to say just that when her cell phone shrieked to life. She glanced at the screen before pressing the green answer button.

Grissom. And about time too.

“Willows.”

“Catherine?”

_ Doesn’t anyone know who they are calling anymore? Or did he forget my last name as well as how to get to CSI? _

“Gil, where are you? Everyone’s waiting for you. Well, everyone except Sara.”

There was a pause and Catherine thought that she had been cut off.

“You still there?”

She heard Grissom sigh and there was a longer pause before he finally answered.

“Sara is here with me and we won’t be coming in tonight.”

Maybe hell just got a lot colder today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do so love dangling them off a cliff...


	5. Chapter 5

“Are you still there, Cath?

Catherine must been distracted for much longer than she realised or she wouldn’t have jumped at the sound of his voice. For some inexplicable reason, she found herself distracted by the fact that Sara was with Grissom.

“Uhmm, yeah. You’re not coming in tonight. So do you want me to take the shift?”

Grissom’s answer was preceded by a sigh of relief.

“Yes. All the loose ends seem to tie up in your case. Make sure Nick and Warrick finish up on their crime scene – tell them to be thorough. ”

Catherine tried to concentrate on what he was saying but her brain only registered random bits of the conversation.

“You and Sara working a case?” Catherine decided to take the most optimistic route.

“No.”

Her chest grew a little tighter as her optimism fell a notch, inversely proportional to the knot taking shape in her stomach. Part of her wondered if she should ask the next, obvious question but she did not trust her voice to sound neutral. Grissom saved her the trouble.

“I’m with her at the hospital. Desert Springs.”

What the hell was going on here? Forget optimistic and painless, she was going for the jugular. Subtlety be damned.

“Hospital? Why are you and Sara at the hospital?” Catherine almost blurted out “What did you do to her?” but stopped herself in time.

Silence again. Catherine wanted to yell at Grissom for keeping her in suspense but bit her tongue. She had to get some sort of explanation from him and ranting and raving like a maniac probably wasn't the best way to go.

“Look, Catherine, just take shift . I can’t explain right now. I’ll be back in as soon as I can. And I don’t want anyone else to know where we are.”

_We._

The line went dead before she had time to come up with a response.

Catherine was more confused than ever by now. Partly by Grissom, but more by the jumble of emotions she’d gone through over the past few minutes culminating in a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach right now. She did not know why she’d had such a strong reaction. She had no feelings whatsoever for Grissom - she was sure of that. A vaguely plausible alternative tugged at the corner of her mind but thinking about it made her uncomfortable and it was instantly dispelled. She turned towards Nick and Warrick who were waiting expectantly.

“Grissom won’t be in tonight. I’m taking shift so let’s just get to work.”

Nick raised an eyebrow. “That’s it? What’s going on?”

“Sure wish I knew…” Catherine muttered under her breath.

“What was that?” Warrick leaned in close to catch her words. How did Gil think she could fool these guys? They investigated crime scenes for a living for christ’s sake.

“No, nothing. We’ve wasted enough time playing hide and seek for one night. You still have that 419 from the high school gym. Go over the scene again and don’t forget to interview the janitor. Let me know if you make any progress. I have paperwork to finish up from my last case.”

To her relief, the mention of the case was enough to distract them.

As Warrick and Nick headed back towards the scene, Catherine was running a million scenarios of her own through her mind. First she would find out what was going on then deal with her emotions later. She contemplated calling Grissom back but, from the conversation, it was clear he was not going to reveal what was going on over the phone. She had a better chance confronting him in person. Catherine grabbed the keys to her Tahoe and headed towards the door.

*****************************

Las Vegas never slept but it was in the night when it came truly alive. And apparently when all the worst drivers decided to come out.

_Why is it when you are in a hurry, you’re always stuck behind the old lady in the little car?_

The car in front of her stuttered to a sudden halt. Catherine could see the occupant fumbling with the ignition and it took several attempts before the vehicle sputtered back to life. Instead of resuming the journey like she was expected to, she started adjusting her mirrors in painstakingly slow movements. Catherine glanced at the oncoming traffic searching for a gap wide enough for her to ease past, but it was relentless.

_Come on, come on, and move already. Shouldn’t you be at home in bed at this hour?_

The car in front of her finally moved forward just as she was ready to thump on the horn. She breathed a loud sigh of relief when they finally parted company at the next intersection. With the distraction gone, she returned her focus to the task of getting to the hospital and, inevitably, the reason she was going there in the first place. Catherine knew she would not be able to quell that sickening feeling until she found out what was going on. The delay in her journey hadn’t hadn’t helped her mood. It wasn’t even enough to stymie the uncomfortable thoughts of her own behaviour from earlier.

She was an emotional person by nature but she was usually the one in control, building easy friendships with Nick, Warrick, Brass and god forbid, even Greg. She knew she had Grissom’s confidence from knowing each other for so long. And Sara, well...Sara was the only one she could not get to. How ironic was it then that she was also the only one who managed to get under her skin. Catherine had decided early on that that was what all their tit-for-tat bitchiness and tension was all about. It was just easier to seem indifferent and cold than to admit that the brunette fascinated her. It had been a long time since someone came along who challenged her.

Catherine had tried to build a friendship with Sara after their bad start. Things went well at first but then Sara started retreating from her, even to the extent of avoiding her. Then her “Grissom obsession” grew more obvious and she became increasingly self-absorbed and unapproachable. Catherine should have reached out to Sara then but she childishly chose to sulk and took every excuse to lash out at her. Especially when it had anything to do with Grissom.

The little voice which she had earlier shoved away to a far corner of her mind chose that precise moment to reappear. She couldn’t ignore it this time as the pieces finally clicked perfectly into place and it was suddenly crystal clear. The flash of realisation distracted Catherine so much she almost forgot she was driving and nearly mangled the Tahoe into the back of the car in front of her.

_I have feelings for Sara and I am jealous of Grissom._

Suddenly, all she wanted to do was get to the hospital as fast as she could – traffic laws be damned.


	6. Chapter 6

She wasn’t sure how she somehow managed the rest of the drive unscathed. The frantic jumble of emotions streaming through her mind had at least slowed down by the time she pulled to a stop at the hospital. She barely heard the car door slam shut as she sprinted through the foyer and barreled through the double glass doors. A cacophony of voices and sounds hit her instantly and that finally pulled her attention back to reality and where she was. Catherine breathed deeply as she skidded to a halt. She took another gulp of air as she surveyed the scene around her. Adrenaline had kept her going up till this moment but its effect was gradually fading and it was dawning on her that she didn’t really know what to do next. 

_ Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea after all… _

Desert Springs Medical Center was always busy. A big and busy place and it was not surprising given that Vegas never slept. She had been there countless times as part of her job  and was well experienced in the sick things people could do to each other to keep this place constantly in business. Tonight was different. Every other time she had been here, it was on a case and she knew exactly where to go. She would tune out the crowd and signs because there would be Brass, O’Reilly or a uniform waiting to take her to where she needed to go.

_ Think, Catherine, think. _

She was no stranger to hospitals but this felt awkward and strange. She was standing in the middle of a random crowd and she didn’t know what to do. She had no idea why Grissom and Sara were here much less where to find them.

_ Yup, this was a really bad idea. _

Catherine took another deep breath knowing that she needed to clear her head, refusing to admit defeat. She rifled through her bag and found what she was looking for in an instant. Maybe Grissom would be less cryptic once he knew she was already in the building. Her finger was millimetres away from the dial button when she heard someone call out her name.

“Miss Willows?”

The young man in scrubs looked vaguely familiar but she couldn’t place his name. He closed the gap between them and prodded her memory with a smile when he saw her confusion.

“Remember me? Dr. Portard? The Kenter case, two months ago? You and Mr. Grissom interviewed me about that young boy…”

Details clicked into place.

“Yes, I remember now.”

“Are you on official business? Another case? ”

Catherine shook her head ruefully. “Looking for a friend but not having much luck.”

“A friend? You mean Mr. Grissom? I saw him back thataway a couple of minutes ago.”

Catherine barely had time to smile her gratitude before dashing off in the right direction.

*******************

She found him sitting outside a closed door staring at it as if he could will it open telepathically. Sara was nowhere to be seen.

“Gil.”

He turned, fatigue written all over his face. His shirt was rumpled and he looked like he had not slept all day. Catherine couldn’t stop that jealous pang again.

_ Deal with it later, Catherine. _

“Cath, what are you doing here?”

“You didn’t give me an answer earlier when I asked you the same thing so I'm here to ask again.” She was surprised how cool her voice was in contrast with what she was feeling - acute anxiety on the brink of turning into rage.

_ I’d like to slug you one for being an ass and keeping me in suspense. _

“I thought I told you to take shift tonight”. His matter-of-fact tone wasn’t helping but it was true to form. Trust Grissom to think about work first.

“That’s not what I mean but don’t worry. Nick and Warrick are back out to the scene and Trace is working on the rest of the evidence.”

She waited for the small nod of his head that meant he had absorbed the information before letting the floodgates open.

“Now tell me what the hell is going on. Where is Sara?” she demanded viciously.

The piercing glare that Catherine was giving him right now dispelled any idea of telling her anything but the truth. If he wanted to live.

“Sara is in there.” He nodded towards the door.

“Gil Grissom, you’d better start explaining right now. All the details. And I mean everything.”

Grissom responded with a sigh and  pained expression on his face.

She clenched her fists as she attempted to suppress the overwhelming urge to strangle Grissom. It was working for now but she didn’t know if it would for much longer if he didn’t say something soon.

“She took an overdose of sleeping pills this morning.” His voice was flat and emotionless as if it would make the news less real.

That sinking feeling in her stomach turned into full-blown nausea. Catherine felt her shoulder hit a wall as her knees threatened to buckle from under her. She wanted nothing more than to propel herself through the door in front of her but did not trust her legs to function. Instead, she shifted her body towards the seat next to Grissom and sank slowly down onto it. The panic receded slightly and she concentrated on getting her breathing back to normal. Shock, disbelief, anger, regret, guilt and fear hit her all at once.

Mostly fear.

Fear that she might have been the smallest part of the reason Sara did this and she knew would never forgive herself if that was even remotely true. Fear that she would not have a chance to deal with her attraction to Sara even if she did not know what she was going to do about it yet.

“Wha...what happened ?” Catherine’s voice was barely above whisper when she finally got it back.

“Someone from day shift found her unconscious in the locker room and sent her to the emergency room. She had no next of kin in her records so they called me.”

The self-recriminating voice was immediately prodded back into action.

_ I could have stopped this. I should have reached out this morning. This can’t be happening. _

“How is she?”

“The doctor hasn’t said much but she should be fine. Physically.” His tone did nothing to reassure Catherine but he seemed oblivious to her anguish. “Nothing a couple of days’ rest won’t heal. She is recommending a psych consult and therapy in the longer term to help her heal.” Grissom paused, waiting from a response from his companion. His voice turned matter-of-fact when she stayed quiet, mistaking her silence for a need to explain his thought process.“And I agree with her. The job that we do is hell on the emotions. If Sara can’t cope with the pressure, she has to do something about it before she has a breakdown.”

Catherine shook her head in disbelief, mouth agape as his cold and logical explanation. “You don’t call  _ this _ a breakdown? Jesus, Gil, she tried to end her life. That’s Sara in there. Not some crime scene. And there is more to life than just a job.” It struck her that she had just come to the same realization about herself.

“You know how Sara is. Her job is her life. I always thought she could cope. She is one of the best investigators I know.”

Catherine was about to shout at Grissom about hauling his head out of his ass when the door opened and a nurse beckoned them in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The young doctor is a reference to my sapphic viewing habits at the time this was written. I will be impressed if anyone knows what the shout out was to :)


	7. Chapter 7

Her legs threatened to give way again at the first sight of Sara lying in the bed. Her face was so white and still that she almost blended into the sheets. It was heartbreaking and surreal at same time. 

_ This can’t be happening.   _

Catherine’s breath caught in her throat, tears threatening to spill when she took in the pale shadow of a ghost who was the woman in front of her. Various tubes and wires bled off her in different directions and Sara looked so, so small. If it were not for the steady beep of the monitors, Catherine’s first instinct would have been to reach for a pulse to dispel her worst fears. She walked up slowly, as if in a trance, until she hit the rail on Sara’s bedside. Grissom had followed behind her but lingered just inside the doorway with his hands buried deep inside his pockets, looking extremely uncomfortable. He stayed silent and shifted awkwardly as if he was embarrassed to be there.

The low murmurs from the foot of the bed shook Catherine out of her haze and drew her attention towards it. A petite redhead in a white coat conferred with the nurse as she updated Sara’s chart. She finished her scrawl and clipped the folder back on to the end of the bed the folder before speaking.

“Are you Ms. Sidle’s family? ”

“I’m her partner.” Catherine’s answer came without a pause. Grissom cocked his head at her slightly surprised. Fortunately, the doctor either didn’t notice or chose not push further clarification. She turned to face Catherine who had her eyes glued on the figure in the bed.

“I’m Dr. Fox. She has been through a rough time, but fortunately she was brought in before the drugs could do much damage. She had over 800 milligrams of Seconal in her blood by the time she got here.”

Catherine couldn’t help the strangled sob that escaped her lips. “How...how is she?”

The doctor’s answer was soft and reassuring. “We did a gastric lavage and managed to evacuate most of it but she will still have some ways to go before the drug is fully cleared from her system. I’d like to keep her for observation tonight but she should be able to go home tomorrow.”

The weight lifted a little but Catherine knew the anxiety would not disappear until Sara was awake. She realised that she was meant to give a response and managed a stilted smile to reassure the young woman that she had heard what she was saying. The doctor replied with a look of kindly understanding. Grissom got a perfunctory nod before she slipped quietly out of the room.

Catherine turned her attention back to Sara. She had nearly forgotten Grissom and had to tamper the wrenching feeling of envy that grew anew as soon as she remembered he was still in the room. Fortunately for him, he wasn’t reacting at all. In fact, he seemed preoccupied with staring at the floor, lost in himself. Envy was now mixed with exasperation.

_ What does Sara see in him? _

He may be one of her best friends and an intellectual genius but even Lindsey had more compassion.

The sadistic part of her wanted him to suffer for what he’d done to Sara. And he did look pained. That jealousy reared up again. It was irrational but Catherine did not even want Grissom to feel pain for Sara as a friend and - if she had to be honest - he just looked as if he would rather be anywhere else on Earth than in this room.

_ He deserves to suffer. _

Suddenly, Catherine realised that, more than anything else, she wanted, no, needed to be with Sara alone. She mentally composed her voice so that it would sound as neutral as possible. She did not need Grissom to question her behaviour when she could not explain herself.

“Gil, I’ll stay and keep Sara company. You’ve had a long night. Go home and get some rest.”

_ Please, please just go. _

His eyes met hers and she could see the relief staring back at her. He was thankful for the escape and his face lit up for the first time tonight. “I think I’ll head back to CSI and keep things running. You stay with Sara as long as you need. Just let me know if you need anything or if there are any changes.”

Catherine stared disbelievingly after Grissom. He couldn’t seem to bolt through the door quick enough as soon as he finished his speech.

_ Asshole. _

And then, as if he had heard her unspoken thoughts, Grissom paused, his hand propping the door open.

_ God help him if he changes his mind now because I will physically throw him out. _

She clenched her fists in anticipation of a fight as he turned to face her, as if to say something. Fortunately for the both of them, he changed his mind and gave her an awkward smile before finally leaving the room. Catherine sighed inwardly, relieved to have solved at least one of her many problems. Apparently even when disaster struck, it was not enough to wake Gil Grissom out of his oblivion.

_ Thank God for small mercies. _

Alone with Sara at last, Catherine let go of the breath she had been holding since she arrived at the hospital. Sara still had her eyes closed when Catherine drew a chair up to her bedside. Even in her unconsciousness, her hand was clenching the sheets so tightly that her knuckles were white. Catherine reached one hand out to tentatively cover the balled up fist, half expecting Sara to pull away. She looked so fragile.  

She moved the other hand to stroke the smooth brown hair on Sara’s forehead. Lost in her weakened state, her head tossed about fitfully. Sara was battling demons that only she could see. Catherine tightened the grip on Sara’s hand and was thankful when the fist underneath hers finally loosened a little. She continued stroking the soft tendrils of hair. The movement was automatic, like comforting Lindsey when she was upset or lulling her to sleep. Yet her present feelings were definitely not maternal. The guys almost treated like “Mom” at times – she was the people person in the team. But never Sara. And she never wanted Sara to. And now she knew why.

The next time she became aware of her surroundings, she noticed that Sara had settled back into that inert and dreamless state. The hand beneath hers was still pale but was now relaxed and her sharp face looked almost childlike and peaceful. Her heart wrenched again as she was reminded again how Sara looked so small and helpless in her slumber. Stroking her hair one last time, Catherine pulled herself out of the chair, stretching out the kinks in her back. She glanced at her watch and realized, amazed, that she had been sitting there for almost four hours. She was reluctant to leave Sara but she needed a shower and a fresh change of clothes.

“Please wake up, Sara. I need you to come back to me, please...” she whispered softly. She leaned down and placed a kiss on Sara’s cheek, shuddering when she realised how cold and clammy the flesh beneath her lips felt. Promising that she would return soon, Catherine slipped out of the room as quietly as she could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More hurt, I'm afraid but at least Grissom's gone for now.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to the angst but I did save it till after Christmas...*g*

_So this is what heaven is like._

_The pain and nausea is gone. There’s a pleasant lightness to my body. I find myself floating in a dreamlike limbo, drifting alternately between light and darkness. As I’m carried towards the dark, my head starts pounding and my mouth feels as if it is full of cotton wool. I’m  suffocating and I can’t breathe. I open mouth to drew in an attempt to draw in more air and a trickle finally reaches my lungs. I almost regret it immediately because a sharp stab of pain begins to radiate from my chest._

_Or maybe this is hell._

_I reach desperately towards the numbness of the light. Anything to make the pain go away. A voice whispers from the darkness. I can’t quite make out what it’s saying but it’s owner is heartbreakingly familiar. Catherine. I want to laugh out loud at the irony. There is no escape. Even in hell, there is a Catherine. Death, it seems, is not the final frontier._

_The voice, real or imagined, immediately makes the pain bearable. Fingertips trail upon my forehead, so soft and real and I don’t want them to stop. I relish in the sensation, fighting to hang on to it, but unconsciousness is enveloping me once again. I am not ready to lose that comforting feeling even as I feel the nothingness overpower me. The rhythmic stroking of warm skin against my cool forehead calms me a little but I am sinking deeper. The weight on my chest lifts and I can breathe again. I want to shout out but my lips and vocal cords rebel. The last thing I remember before slipping under is a sweet breath and wet warm flesh upon my cheek._

*********************************

The throbbing in her head started again. This time it was accompanied by an intense light; painfully and excruciatingly bright. Her insides stirred at the unwelcome stimulation and decided to join in the party to protest. A single word started bouncing through her head like a pinball gone amok. Hurt. Why was everything hurting so much?

_This must be a different hell._

Apparently dying was as complicated as living. She wondered how much longer it would be before it was over and she could stop feeling anything altogether. Her senses had other ideas because the light was now accompanied by a muffled echo calling to her. It gradually grew more distinct as if the speaker was approaching her from a distance.

“Miss Sidle… Sara, can you hear me?” The voice again, female, but this time unfamiliar. It was now close enough that she could make out the individual words.

_Go away and let me sleep._

Something cold and metallic pressed up against her chest. The lights got progressively brighter and she instinctively squeezed her eyes shut tighter. A pungent scent of Lysol began to permeate her nostrils as the voice spoke again, drawing her back to reality.

“Sara, can you open your eyes?”

Reluctantly, Sara forced herself to crack her eyelids open. This was it - her first glimpse of heaven.. or hell. Wherever it was, it was too bright. She groaned and instinctively started squeezing her eyes shut again but wasn’t able to. A firm and gentle thumb anchored her eyelids open in turn as the bright light dazzled her again. It was probably only for a few seconds but she was thankful when the light finally moved. Sara was still blinking the afterimages away when a face swam into focus. Her drug induced mind finally put the pieces together – she was still alive, in a hospital.

She knew deep down inside that she should be glad to be alive but she couldn’t help her internal voice from swearing at herself.

_Shit. Fuck._

“I am Dr. Fox. You gave us quite a scare yesterday but we’ve managed to patch you up.”

Sara winced as her memory came back to life. There were plenty of gaps but the events of the past 24 hours were gradually coming back to her. The reality was slowly sinking in and her insides responded by turning themselves into an impressively large knot. She heaved slightly, wanting to ease the nausea by throwing up but her empty stomach protested painfully. She couldn’t even do this one thing right. Her body felt like it was punishing her as a cap on her failure.

“You still have plenty of rest to catch up on. So no work for the next 2 weeks.” Dr. Fox paused, seeing how uncomfortable Sara looked. “ I know that this is a rough time for you, physically and emotionally. You will need to talk to a therapist when you feel better. ”

Sara’s face paled instantly. She’d never felt so miserable as she did right now. The young doctor’s brow creased as she took in her patient’s response. Her voice softened as she continued.  “I know this is a lot to take in just now. We can discuss this later when you’re more up to it.”

Sara managed a half smile in response, thankful for her consideration.

“Do you want me to speak to your partner about this as well?”

Sara’s eyes widened instantly unable to suppress her surprise and confusion.

_Partner? What happened after I passed out in the locker room?_

Dr. Fox frowned a little as her question went unanswered. Sara’s face looked a shade paler than it already was. Fearing that she was having a turn, the doctor started pulling her stethoscope from round her neck, but stopped when her patient finally shook her head with a vague impression of a smile.

“Are you sure? You’ll recover quicker if you have some support. She was here last night after the paramedics brought you in and sat with you till early this morning.”

Sara shook her head silently and Dr. Fox sighed. “Okay, just think about what I’ve said.”

_So, Catherine was here._

It was not a hallucination. But why did she come? Sara squeezed her eyes shut as the question swirled in her head.

The doctor took that as a signal that Sara was tired and glanced at the monitors one last time before turning to leave. “You’ll feel better after a little more sleep. Just ask the nurse to get me if you need anything else.”

Sara barely noticed the woman leaving as images continued to flash across her mind. The lab. The locker room bust-up with Catherine. She had not wanted to breathe for every breath brought pain. She’d just wanted to sleep. Sara hadn’t cared how bad the pills tasted, how difficult they’d been to swallow, how she’d continued to force them down her throat until the bottle was empty and her body was lead and she’d fallen into the sleep that she’d longed for. Until now.

Catherine had been here. She was a witness to Sara’s pain and failure.The pills may not have killed her, but she was sure that the embarrassment rising in her now would. Even if they lived in some fantasy world where they could be more than friends, Catherine would surely not want  to have anything to do with her after this. As much as it was a cliche, this felt like a fate worse than death. Sara’s chest clenched at the realisation of the situation she had landed herself in. Tears of anger, frustration and shame rolled down her face. She sobbed silently till sleep overtook her once more.


	9. Chapter 9

She lay in the dark, eyes shut but sleep stubbornly eluding her. Her thoughts kept running back to the unconscious woman in the hospital bed.

Catherine knew that she should try and get some rest before going back to the hospital but her mind had other ideas. It was as if she had just woken up from a dream but didn’t know what to do now that she was awake. She did not doubt her feelings for Sara – there was no question about it by now. She just hadn’t a clue how she was going to deal with it. Seeing Sara but not being able to touch her. Talking to Sara but not being able to tell her the truth. And of course there was the small problem of how she was going to resist the urge to punch Grissom every time Sara was near him.

Grissom.

The mere thought of his name left a sour taste in her mouth. He had called her some time after she left the hospital but she wasn’t in the mood to talk to him and kept the conversation brief. It ended with her asking for the night off to keep Sara company at the hospital. Actually, she just brusquely told him she wouldn’t be going in tonight. She was a little surprised that, for once, Grissom seemed eager to let her off from work. She knew that graveyard was up to its neck with cases and with both Catherine and Sara off, they would have a hell of a time managing.

A light went off in her head. That was it. This wasn’t Grissom being compassionate and understanding. He was avoiding Sara. He knew how she felt about him and _that_ was why he was so uncomfortable in the hospital last night.

Gutless bastard.

He must be leaping for joy at Catherine’s offer to keep Sara company. Saved himself a huge guilt-trip.

Catherine sighed. The clock told her that she had been tossing and turning for the last hour. There was no way she was going to get any sleep .

_Might as well face my demons sooner rather than later._

Half an hour, a shower and fresh clothes later, Catherine was back at the hospital. She had taken the liberty of packing a sweater and pair of jeans in a small overnight bag. Sara would want a change of clothes before she left the hospital.

She stopped in front of the door and realized that her heart was pounding in anticipation and fear. She wanted to see Sara more than anything else right now. To touch her and know that she was all right. She took a deep breath and willed her expression not to betray any emotion other than the friendly concern of a colleague. Taking a deep breath, Catherine pushed the door open.

*************************

Sara felt an immediate flush rise in her face again as soon as she saw Catherine poke her head through the doorway. This was why she chose to avoid Catherine. Her emotions seemed to turn into an out of control jumble every time she was near.

Catherine had to fight hard to maintain a neutral face. _She’s awake. You can do this Catherine, breathe…_

Sara was propped up with some pillows behind her back. She actually looked better – there was some colour in her cheeks and Catherine felt a great weight lift from her heart. A nurse was checking her blood pressure and there was a covered tray by her bedside. The nurse stopped to whisper to Catherine on her way out. “She won’t eat. Wants to go home now. See if you can change her mind.”

Catherine smiled her thanks. Sara must be feeling better if she could manage to be stubborn. Then there were only the two of them in the room. Catherine knew that if someone didn’t say something soon, it was going to become awkward. She made the first move.

“Hey…”   _Hey?? Nice Catherine, very eloquent._

Sara kept her gaze on the sheets. _My cheeks feel like they’re on fire. Please someone make it stop burning._

“Feeling better?” _I feel like I’m grasping at straws here._

Slight nod of the head. _Better not say anything. Don’t think my voice is working._

“You should be eating something then. You need to keep up your strength.” _Nutritional advice? God, Willows, you’re sinking fast here._ “What would you like to eat?”

Sara shook her head. _You?_

This was getting frustrating and Catherine felt like she was talking to herself. She had to say something more because she was flailing.

“Sara…about what happened yesterday, Gil told me everything…”   _Please say something soon, I’m dying here._

Sara felt  her insides sink under a wave of disappointment.

 _So that’s why you’re here - because Grissom sent you to babysit me. You don’t really want to be anywhere near me, do you?_  

“I don’t need your pity.” Her voice was low and gravelly, almost a whisper. _Might as well get this over with. Come straight to the point and put me out of my misery._

Sara’s words almost knocked Catherine off her feet. She wasn’t expecting it to be easy but neither was she prepared for blunt hostility from Sara. Her emotional control was unraveling and her fingers started twisting the handle of the carry bag nervously. It took all the effort she could muster to keep her face straight and eyes focused on Sara.

“I just wanted to see how you are.” _I want to touch your face again._

Sara finally turned her gaze towards the blue eyes gazing at her uncomfortably. Her heart sank further because in spite of her words and bravado, the last thing she wanted to do was anything that would even remotely hurt Catherine any further.

“I didn’t need you to see me like this. But now that you have, you can run back to tell everyone how pathetic I am. You win, okay? Just go and leave me alone.” _Please don’t go. I want to feel your fingertips on my face again._

Nervousness became disbelief before turning into anger.

“I win? This isn’t about me, Sara, this is about why you are hurting yourself…”

“I don’t need your help and I’m not a puzzle you have to solve.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about but you just need to rest and get well now. We can get into how I managed to piss you off later…” _Please don’t push me away._

“Leave Catherine. I don’t need you. I don’t want to see you.”   _I want you so much it scares me because I can’t have you._

It was as if Sara had shot, stabbed and run her over with a car all at once. Catherine knew then that she had once again given her heart away to someone who would not return her love. She thought she had learnt that lesson well after Eddie but since when did love adhere to any rules?

Sara had that grim, disappointed look on her face.

 _The person you need won’t even come see you._ Catherine almost said that out loud but even in her agony, she wanted to protect Sara.

She already felt tears welling up in her eyes and she did not know why. She should not have expected Sara to accept her friendship, much less anything more. Their relationship had been lukewarm at best over the past few years. She had always put the blame on Sara for that. But now she had the very real first hand experience of what it was like to lust and long after someone and having to pretend otherwise. Three years of feeling like this would drive anyone to the edge.

Catherine had only been consciously aware of her feelings for a day and it already ripped her apart that Sara did not feel the same way too. Every hurtful thing Sara said cut her heart into shreds. She did not even want to think how she was going to deal with life after Sara got back to work. It would be easier if Sara thought she hated her and wanted nothing to do with her instead.

“I’m not here because I pity you. I came here because I” - she almost blurted out love - “care". And I’m starting to wonder why I give a shit.” _You don’t know how difficult it is for me to say that._

Catherine turned and forced her feet to carry her out the door. Her cheeks were already wet and her eyes were blurring up. If she had turned back to look at Sara, she would have seen the same look of anguish and tears streaming down her face.

“Catherine, wait…I.. tell Grissom I’m ok.”   _I’m sorry._

Catherine paused in mid-step and resisted to urge to turn back. She knew her resolve would break if she did so she spat out her next words.

“Tell him yourself.” _Please forgive me._

Sara felt her heart shatter into a million pieces at Catherine’s words. How she walked out of the room without even turning round. She had succeeded in pushing away the one person who’d tried to reach her. The one person she wanted to reach her more than anything else in the world. She just could not deal with Catherine’s pity when all she wanted was her love.


	10. Chapter 10

“Remember to take these if you feel dizzy, ok? And plenty of rest.”

The nurse handed Sara some pills in a small bottle. The sight of more pills sickened her but she reached out a shaky hand and quickly slipped the container into her pocket, nodding numbly as she scanned the room to make sure that she hadn’t left anything behind. Not that she came with anything but the clothes on her back considering the state she was in. Her training instinctively kicked in and her eyes swept the room in a ritual motion. Yup, she had everything. Something caught her attention, the crumpled object on the floor next to the bed. It was the overnight bag that had held the clothes that Catherine had brought. The one that now contained her own soiled ones. Catherine’s clothes were a tight fit on her but Sara didn’t mind. The soft fabric of the sweater had her unique scent of lavender and spice. A little piece of paradise to substitute what Sara couldn’t have in reality.

The few hours she spent alone after Catherine left was a blur. The doctor and nurses were in and out of the room but she hardly noticed them. She just needed to get out of this room. Each time she looked at the door, the image of Catherine walking away would replay. She’d known that she would regret pushing her away even before the door closed.

_ What now Sara? _

She could try taking the easy way out again but this past effort told her that some higher power was determined to keep her alive. She could go back to work and pretend that nothing was wrong. Ten hours of torture each night relieved only by her own hands and private fantasies. She smiled bitterly as she realised that she had been doing this for so long that it was second nature. The only difference was that after their encounter earlier, she knew that Catherine hated her and thought Sara hated her as well. As good as the fantasies were, they weren’t anywhere near enough to sustain her when she knew what the cold hard reality was.

She knew deep down inside what she was supposed to do - she was just stalling for as long as she could. Sara sighed and squeezed her eyes shut. There wasn’t anything else to do because she had run out of other options and burned all her bridges in one day.

_ Must be a some kind of a record. _

She wondered briefly why she was so self -destructive before shaking her head, reminding herself that she had no choice but to be brave.

_ Do the right thing for once Sidle… _

She had to leave Vegas and hope that time and distance would heal the wounds and numb her desire. At the very least, Catherine would be better off for not having to see her.

“Will there be anyone here to pick you up Ms Sidle?”

Sara shook her head.

“Let’s get you a cab to take you home then.”

*****************

Home...what did she have waiting for her? Cold brick walls and empty chairs? That was not home. Home was where she buried the heart she had foolishly given away to the one person who would never, could never accept it. Not that she could have helped herself. The moment those intense blue eyes challenged her own piercing gaze, she had fallen hook, line and sinker.

Sara leaned back into the seat of the cab and closed her eyes. The raw lusty voice on the radio drowned out the sound of the traffic but it could not drown out the thoughts of how she managed to end up in this bittersweet dilemma.

<< I played the fool today >>

At first she wasn’t even sure it was love. Attraction - sure, desire - of course, lust – let’s not even go there…but love? What she once thought had been love a lifetime ago ended up to be empty promises and lies. A shot in the dark. She had allowed herself to be vulnerable and paid the price for it with a broken heart. Vegas was her refuge. That was when she started building the walls lest her heart betrayed her again. Sara hated feeling so empty and lonely inside. But she was afraid to let anyone in.

<< I just dream of vanishing into the crowd >>

Her fear was the reason she chose to bury herself in her work, maxing out on overtime. Even sleeping in the break room instead of going home after shift. Change and  shower before anyone else from night shift came in. She had gotten away with it for 3 years. At least she knew she would not be alone, even if they were all strangers around her.

<< Longing for home again >>

At first what Sara saw was the street-smart, tough woman who hated her guts and saw her as an enemy, rival and competition. And of course, wanted nothing to do with her.

They had a lousy start to working relationship. They weren’t even friends. And constantly at each other’s throat. Catherine brought out the competitive streak in Sara. She knew that she did not have the warmth and charm to win over the guys’ friendship like Catherine could without even trying. So, she made every effort to make herself a better CSI than Catherine was. But then something changed and Catherine started to reach out to Sara. How could she resist the warmth and charm of Catherine Willows ?

<< But home is a feeling I buried in you >>

It wasn’t until after Eddie’s case when she finally realized that what she wanted more than anything was for Catherine to notice and acknowledge her. For once, she was not so much upset that she could not solve a case but because she had let Catherine down. For once her job took second place. She had allowed someone to crack through her walls.

_ What a great bedtime story for my little girl. _

<< I’m alright, I’m alright, it only hurts when I breathe >>

Never had so few words cut her so deeply. The pain of rejection and not being good enough was even worse than the first time. Whoever said the first cut is the deepest was luckier than her. After that, Catherine just ignored her. Sara just sank deeper into herself. Each day was struggle to be rational and keep her sanity. She had done a good imitation of it: well...until two days ago. She was a good CSI – she managed to fool Warrick, Nick and Greg into thinking that her antagonism with Catherine was the usual catfight women get into. But someone saw beyond her facade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song referenced is Breathe by Greenwheel.


	11. Chapter 11

Sara shook her head at the thought. Gil Grissom, who was so oblivious and ignorant about her initial misguided crush on him, had caught on to her. 

It had been one of those days. Tough case and then having to interview the particularly greasy suspect who took every opportunity to leer at Catherine across the table. Sara found herself jealously fighting the urge to poke his eyes out. Worst of all, Catherine seemed to be responding to and encouraging his dirty looks. The moment Vega led him out of the room, Sara let loose her emotions.

“That was nice, Catherine, you practically had him drooling all over the floor.”

Blue eyes narrowed defensively. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“The way you were flirting with the jerk. That was real professional.”

“That _ jerk  _ is a suspect, Sara. I was playing him. We’re here to get a confession and the laser beams shooting out of your eyes weren’t working.”

_ She noticed me. _

“Yeah, I must have missed the class on Seduction 101.”

“Grow up Sara. And don’t tell me how I should do my job when you can’t do yours.”

Catherine stormed out, slamming the door behind her. When her own jealous rage subsided, tears started flowing and she felt more depressed than usual. The last thing she wanted to do was to go home and replay the scene over and over again in her mind. She could not bear to be alone that morning.

Work would give her something else to focus on. She didn’t even know how long she had been working before exhaustion overtook her. When Grissom found her teary-faced and slumped over the table, he practically forced her into his office and sat her down.

Sara almost laughed when Grissom turned to lock the door and leaned against it, arms crossed as though he expected her to run out at any moment. In all honesty, she’d probably give it a try if he wasn’t standing there and she wasn’t so physically and emotionally drained that she could barely stand. Besides, she wanted to get his usual “you need to get a life” speech over as soon as possible. She even had the standard reply ready.

“Sara, what is going on with you lately?”

_ That’s a different approach.  _

“Nothing.” Denial came naturally.

“You’re still in yesterday’s clothes, sleeping in the break room and shift is about to start again in...” Grissom glanced at his watch “… 2 hours. So, don’t tell me nothing’s wrong.”

Sara winced inwardly at his assessment of her pathetic situation but kept a stony face.

“Either you talk to me or the department shrink. You may not see it but you’ve been an emotional wreck lately. I know that we’re all just here to do a job but you have been hostile and isolating yourself from the rest of us.” Seeing Sara’s face pale, Grissom added gently, “You need help.”

Her life was about to go from bad to worse. She did not need to talk to a total stranger about how she fucked up her life by falling for the only person she could never have a romantic relationship with. Because she hated Sara. And was female. And straight. No, she really did not need to have that conversation.

“Gris…I’m just tired, that’s all. Maybe I should take some vacation days.”

She could tell that Grissom wasn’t buying her excuse even before she finished. She didn’t sound convincing even to herself. In fact, from the look on his face, she could definitely tell that he was skeptical.

“Vacation days? Now I know that there’s definitely something wrong with you. Sara, what is it? You can’t run away from your problems. And I don’t want to lose you to a nervous breakdown.”

_ Come on Sara, this time, try to be more convincing. _

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just overworked…the case...”

Grissom cut her short, sparing her any further need to make lame excuses.

“You and Catherine have been at each other’s throats so much lately that even I’m almost afraid to talk to either one of you.”

_ Ouch – raw nerve.  _

“Is this what this is all about ? We have some difference in opinion over this case we’re working on and she goes running to you ? Because if she did, you can tell her to say that to my face the next time instead of going behind my back…”

Talking about Catherine was making Sara’s pulse race faster and her face flush with anger or embarrassment, possibly both. She was practically rambling and she desperately wanted to stop herself but she was in a freefall until Grissom interjected.

“Sara, when did you fall in love with Catherine?” 

_ Yup, that did it. _

Sara froze. Trust him to be so direct and to the point. She opened her mouth to say something but her voice refused to work. She closed her mouth, took a deep breath and tried again. Same results. Deciding that it was unattractive to imitate a goldfish, she grimly clamped her mouth shut instead. Not a good idea since her body seemed to have forgotten how to breathe. Suddenly she was panicking, hyperventilating and the room started spinning.

From the fog, a voice called out to her. Arms holding her steady.

“Breathe Sara...come on, stay with me…”

The fuzziness cleared as oxygen returned into her lungs. An amused face came into focus. She took another deep breath before she attempted an answer.

“ I don’t know… I mean, you don’t know what…” Sara finally paused when she realised Grissom wasn’t even remotely buying what she was saying. “Oh what the hell. Am I that obvious? 

Grissom tilted his head and sighed. “They didn’t make me head of CSI because of my good looks…” 

That got an unsteady smile out of Sara. 

“You still haven’t answered my question.” Apparently Grissom wasn’t going to let her off the hook.

Her automatic reaction was to stay silent. Or tell Grissom to mind his own business. But this was her opportunity. This was the first time in a long while she had the chance to release the emotional torment inside of her. Better Gil Grissom than some stranger while she lay on a couch.

“I‘m not sure, but I think…since I met her?”

Grissom raised an eyebrow and chuckled ruefully.

“Then I’m glad I didn’t take up your invitation for dinner after the lab explosion.”

“So am I.” Sara whispered softly to herself. Seeing the mildly hurt look on Grissom’s face, she quickly continued “I’m sorry Gil, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s not just you. I think that every relationship I’ve tried to have since I came here has been about running away from my true feelings.”

“So what are you going to do about it?”

Sara’s eyes widened in surprise. That’s it? He wasn’t going to moralize, tell her what a ridiculous idea it was or faint in shock? Acceptance had never come easily to Sara before. Could it be for once the gods were smiling at her?

“I don’t know. It’s all a big mess in my head right now.”

“Buy you dinner and you can tell me all about it?” Grissom held the door open and looked at Sara expectantly. She knew that this was an offer to listen while giving her an opportunity to turn him down if she didn’t want to talk. Decision time.

“Yeah, sure…”

It wasn’t easy to put her hidden thoughts into words. The little that she managed to get off her chest was painful but cathartic. It did nothing to solve her problems but she did feel better knowing that she had a confidant, albeit an unlikely one.

*******************************

“We’re here miss.” A voice jerked her back into reality. The cab had reached its destination and the driver was looking at her expectantly. Her eyes took in the familiar façade of the building before her. _ Do the right thing, Sara _ . Steeling herself with a deep breath, she opened the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Grissom is useful for something after all... :)


	12. Chapter 12

She didn’t know what she was doing there, why she had this masochistic desire to torture herself. Sara kept repeating in her head that this was about finding closure so that she could move on. 

Right.

As if a few stolen minutes would enable her to lay four years’ of ghosts to rest. She couldn’t afford to stop to think about it now because her razor-thin resolve was threatening to break. Just as well, because she had to be quick. Sara didn’t want any of her colleagues to see her; least of all Catherine and Grissom. Grissom, because she knew he’d try to stop her and Catherine because she feared she wouldn’t.

_ Sara Sidle, you are a study in contradiction. Always wanting what you can’t have and having what you don’t want. _

She had walked through those doors so many times in the past but had never been so aware of everything she saw. The girl at the reception desk looked up and smiled at her. Sara smiled back, wondering if she knew her name. She wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t - Sara didn’t know hers. She winced as she couldn’t even recall the number of times she’d just brushed past reception without a second look. That was the price to pay for indifference.

It was still about an hour before shift, so she shouldn’t run into any of the guys. Her eyes sought out every detail, wanting to burn them into her memory. She passed the familiar rooms and hallways and it was almost like a walking through a crime scene. Trace, DNA, Fingerprints, Ballistics. She stopped short as she approached the Break Room and something caught her attention. Unless her ears deceived her, that was Nick, Warrick and Greg arguing over something. Her instinct was to turn and walk away but the temptation to see them one last time was too strong. Sara crept a little closer and snuck a peek through the glass. Ah, yes. They were bickering over some silly video game. Would they miss her?

_ Goodbye Nick. Goodbye Warrick. Goodbye Greg. _

She left before she got caught.

Sara continued down the corridor and stopped just shy of Grissom’s office. There was Gil, head bent over his desk. She couldn’t tell from his expression whether it was work or his latest pet insect. He gave that same intense concentration to either. He looked so engrossed that she dared to linger a few more seconds. Sara knew that he would be disappointed in her when he found out what she’d done, but she didn’t have a choice. Even his confidence and support wasn’t enough to save her this time.

_ Goodbye Gil. _

She turned the corner and reached the locker room. Unpleasant thoughts flashed through her mind but she shut them out immediately. Someone from dayshift was packing up his things... Thomson or Johnson, something like that - she had never been good with names. Sara suddenly realized that she knew more about the victims on her cases than she did about the people she saw everyday at work and that made her sad. In some ways she had always related better to the victims because she thought of herself as one of them.

She found herself back at the front doors again. It was time to go. Some part of her was still reluctant although she had been telling herself that this was the right thing to do. She had one more farewell to bid but Sara hadn’t seen her. She didn’t really want to go before this one final act but she had already stayed too long. Sara stepped into the cool Vegas night towards her ride - thank god that the cab was actually patient enough to wait. As they drove away from the building, she turned back for one last look.

_ Goodbye Catherine. _


	13. Chapter 13

Catherine wasn’t sure how she managed to stumble out of the hospital and reach home in one piece. The drive home from the hospital was mainly a blur of tears and emotions and she had not stopped crying by the time she got home. For once she was thankful that Lindsey wasn’t there. In the state she was in, she could barely take care of herself.

She hadn’t gotten any sleep for the past 48 hours and couldn’t bear another toss-and-turn session in the dark again. She needed to sleep if she was going to make an appearance at work tonight.

_ I need some help here. _

She wasn’t one for pill popping but some Valium or Seconal sounded good right now. At those thoughts, her mind flashed back to Sara and why she was in the hospital.

_ Really bad idea. _

Sighing aloud, she pondered her alternatives. Something clicked in her mind.

_ I know I still have it somewhere. _

Rummaging through the kitchen cabinet revealed her prize. She held the neck of the dusty half-empty Jack Daniels bottle by her fingertips. The amber liquid sloshed slightly. Wiping it down, she cracked open the cap and took a tentative whiff.

_ Still smells okay and there’s only one way to find out. _

She poured out a generous shot into a tumbler and gulped it down straight-up. Followed by another. And another. Might as well take the fastest route. The burning sting of pure alcohol almost made her gag, The last time she had to resort to this was during the dark days with Eddie. Jack had been her anaesthesia then, from the physical pain. This time, the pain was emotional but, hell, it was ten times worse.

She felt the tension seeping away and smiled. At least her method still worked and she started sinking into the alcohol-induced fog, hoping it would cloud her mind.

It seemed like just minutes later when Catherine shifted and groaned as the hard edge of the couch dug into her side. Somehow she managed to pull herself upright and flop into her bed, all further thoughts blurred out by the warm envelope of sleep.

*********************

_ I don’t need your help and I’m not a puzzle you have to solve. Leave Catherine. I don’t need you. I don’t want to see you . _

Even in her nightmare, those words echoed loud and clear. She wanted them to stop. The pain was too much. As she struggled back to wakefulness, the voice faded away. Pain of a different kind, however, awaited her. Her head was pounding, her mouth was dry and bitter. Her body felt as though it had been run over by a truck.

_ Now I remember why I don’t resort to this anymore. _

Every sinew in her body protested the slightest movement but she did manage to open her eyes. Thank god it was dark outside. Her senses were overloaded enough as it was. Wait a minute, it was dark outside. How long had she been out? Lifting her left arm wearily, she glanced at her watch.

_ Shit, shit, shit… I am so busted.  _

Stiff muscles groaned reluctantly as she stumbled into the bathroom. A cold shower should shake off the stupor or at least numb the pain. She hoped that she did not look as bad as she felt. Fat chance. Fifteen minutes and half a bottle of mouthwash later, she was breaking every speeding law in Las Vegas.

***********************************

Pulling into the parking lot, Catherine contemplated her next move. She could hide out in her office until someone found her. But that would mean having to explain why she missed assignments. Better face the music head on and go to Grissom. She just had to explain why she was two hours late. And hope that he did not question her appearance.

_ Easy. Right. Keep fooling yourself and you can fool Gil. Right. _

Steeling herself, she marched into the lion’s den.

“Gil...”

Grissom glanced up from his desk. The look on his face was not of annoyance but of surprise.

“Catherine? What are you doing here? I thought you were with Sara?”

“She, uh, needed to rest so I left.”

“I checked with the hospital and they said Sara had been released. I assumed that you took her home.”

“What?” Any vestiges of stupor vanished completely.

“Well, the doctor did say that she could go home this afternoon when I called earlier… I suppose she got a cab in the end.” He turned back to his paperwork.

_ His idiocy never ceases to amaze. _

“And you let her go home alone?? After what she tried to do?” Catherine yelled in exasperation.

“Well, that’s why I told you to stay with her. In case she needed someone.” Grissom looked at her plaintively, as if it all made perfect sense.

“She doesn’t need me,” Catherine mumbled painfully. “And besides, I think you at least owe her the courtesy of being there for her after what you put her through.” She put as much venom and sting into her voice as possible.

“What did I put her through?” Grissom furrowed his brows in confusion.

Catherine took a deep breath – she may be out of a job after this but it would be worth it – and let rip.

“Gil, you want to know why Sara did this? She has feelings for you. That’s right, Gil Grissom. She has had feelings for you for the past four years. I don’t know if you are in denial or just fucking clueless but you could have prevented this if you were man enough to come clean with her instead of leaving her hanging on. I hate doing this but someone’s got to haul your head out of your ass before you hurt her even more.”

Grissom seem taken aback by her speech but quickly recovered. He actually had the nerve to smile back at her. Catherine flexed her fingers, itching to put her words into action.

“Are you finished ? So, I need to go see a proctologist? Maybe you should come along.” He cocked an eyebrow in apparent amusement.

“I’m serious Gil.”   _ God help him if he doesn’t wipe that smug grin off his face now. _

“So am I. You seem to need one more than me.”  _ That’s it. _

Catherine was seriously contemplating swinging a fist at his face when Grissom put a hand on her shoulder and held her gaze.

“Sara loves  _ you." _

Three words brought her reality crashing down. Her body went limp. She had to sit down.

_ Please tell me I’m not hallucinating. _

Catherine pinched herself  No, she was definitely awake.

“The reason you’ve seen Sara around me so much lately is because she’s been talking to me. About you.”

The quiet whispers and red faces started to make sense.

“Me?” Her voice came out in a squeak. “And you didn’t tell me earlier? ” Her tone was growing accusatory.

“Catherine, I didn’t want you to find out from me. I figured that Sara would be able to work out what to do somehow. Then this happened…Catherine, you’re the one she needs right now.” His apologetic face made her anger fade a little. She was still confused.

“But I always thought she hated me. Why else would she push me away every time I reached out to her? ”

“I think you should ask her that yourself. Before it’s too late.”

All of a sudden, there was only one sickening thought in her mind. Catherine barely heard Grissom’s words as she ran out of the room as fast as her legs would take her.


	14. Chapter 14

Catherine found herself battling the insane Las Vegas traffic again. Her life these past few days was like a bad movie stuck on the replay mode. Part of her wanted all this to be a nightmare and she would wake up and everything would be normal again.

Normal.

She sighed ruefully. She was not sure what normal was anymore. Her relationship with Sara had transformed from friend, to enemy and now possibly more than just friends in a short space of forty eight hours.

She knew the last definition was mostly wishful thinking on her part. Yet, it has been a long time since she felt such a vast array of emotions towards one person – anger, hate, concern, fear, love. Was that normal for Sara? Catherine suddenly realized how little she knew about Sara. Least of all that she preferred the company of women. Would Catherine have acted differently if she did ? Would she have been able to prevent Sara from hurting herself?

_It’s all my fault. If I’d only listened to her. If I’d only paid more attention to her. Some fine investigator you are, Catherine._

Grissom’s revelation of Sara’s feelings for her made it somewhat better and it had certainly given her some hope but she was still apprehensive. Hell, she wasn’t even sure that Sara wanted to talk to her again after she walked out of the hospital on her like that. She didn’t know exactly how she was going to deal with it when she found Sara.

Of course there was that tiny obstacle she had to deal with first.  She still had to find Sara before she did. Hopefully she only left the hospital without telling anyone because she wanted some time alone. Catherine grimaced and shoved all thoughts of the grim alternatives out of her mind. At least she had a good idea where to start.

_Might as well start at the obvious option._

She had only been to Sara’s apartment once. Actually, it was the outside of her apartment building when Catherine dropped her off after they went out for a drink post Hank. That brought back more memories. Catherine always knew that Sara and Hank were doomed to fail. Sure, she was upset but the break-up seemed to hurt her pride more than her heart. Sara had her heart somewhere else. Something Sara said after they had relaxed a little under the influence of more than a few drinks.

“You’re better off without him, Sara…” Her words were slightly slurred.

“What makes you say that?” Sara’s voice was quiet, still very much sober. Obviously, she held her alcohol better than Catherine did.

“He is a cheatin’, lyin’, double crossin’ weasel …no wait… that would be insultin’ weasels…”

Sara smiled a little at Catherine’s description and her mildly inebriated state.

“… besides, there’re plenny of other fishes in the sea.”

Sara shook her head bitterly.

“I shouldn’t even bother. I’m cursed in relationships; always falling for the wrong person.”

At that time, Catherine assumed that she was referring to Grissom. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine that that someone else was her.

Catherine was so engrossed in her thoughts she almost missed the turning. Tires screeched to a halt. Thankfully no one was behind her. The last thing she needed right now was an auto accident. Catherine leaped out of the Tahoe and headed through the doorway of the building . Her eyes ran across the labels on the mailboxes and found what she was looking for. Sara was on the third floor. She sprinted up the stairs two at a time – waiting for the lift took too much time. Two minutes later she stood petrified, breaths coming in gulps, facing the door. Never has something so nondescript and ordinary look so intimidating. Her heart was going so fast it felt like it was going to burst out of her chest.

_Calm down and stop acting like a nervous teenager._

Catherine knocked on the wooden surface tentatively, aware of the hour of night.

_What the hell am I going to say to her when she opens the door?_

She waited for an answer, but there wasn’t a reply. Maybe Sara was asleep. Her mind took the small reprieve to compose an opening line but she was obviously struggling.

_“HI, Sara, I was in the neighborhood in the middle of the night and decided to visit. “_

That was so poor that she winced before she finished the spiel. Catherine decided to set the potential conversation aside until they were face to face.

She tried knocking again,  this time louder. Silence. Her imagination was beginning to run wild.

What if Sara tried to do something stupid again?

“Please open the door, Sara. It’s Catherine.”

She waited for the sound of shuffling feet. Clicking of the lock but still nothing. She could hear a door creak open down the hallway but she all she cared about was the door in front of her that stubbornly refused to open. Anxiety was on its way to full-blown panic and she hammered a little harder on the door.  The knocking soon grew to violent pounding and she was practically shouting.

Catherine was vaguely aware of distant voices and door opening further down the hallway but she was far too committed in her efforts  to care. Her knuckles kept up a steady rhythm against door and the sound of it was so loud that she half expected the security or worse the police to come haul her away at any moment.

“Damn you Sara, open this door right now. You can’t do this to me. You have to give me a chance to explain…” Tears of fear and anger were pouring down her face, her hands hurt but she could not stop banging the door.

Catherine lost control of her emotions and realised that the whole building and quite possibly the next must be awake by now. She threw her entire weight towards the flat surface. The lock rattled noisily but held. Ignoring the sharp pain zipping up her shoulder, she braced herself to try again.

_I wonder what I’d get for breaking and entering if I plead mental duress?_

Catherine was so set on her intent that she did not realize that she was no longer alone in the hallway. The voice made her jump.

“What are you doing?“


	15. Chapter 15

_ God, why is there a rock band playing in my head? _

Even in her semi-awake state, she was aware of a sound that was growing in intensity. The haze of sleep slowly lifted and Sara realized that it was coming from outside. She buried her head in the pillow and tried to ignore it.

_ Someone must have forgotten their keys again…  _

The pounding did not stop and in fact grew louder and louder, now accompanied by yelling.

_ Don’t these people have cell phones?  _

Deciding that she could not sleep with all that racket going on, she padded towards the door, determined to put a stop to it. Judging from the volume of noise, the idiot must be trying to break the door down by now. Some people just couldn’t tell time. And her day was bad enough as it was without not being allowed to enjoy a  _ quiet _ night’s sleep.

_ Boy, somebody chose the wrong day to piss me off.  _

 

*******

“Catherine?”

That was Sara’s voice but it did not sound like it was coming from behind the door. In fact, why was Sara standing beside her? Catherine turned to look at the lanky figure next to her, almost certain it was an apparition.

Sara was rubbing sleep from her eyes. Gorgeous chocolate eyes. Confused but temptingly real.

Catherine tried to say something but found herself in a state of shock, still trying to comprehend what was going on. Sara stepped closer, placing a hand on Catherine’s arm. 

Apparitions don’t give off body heat. So, yes, she was definitely real . But where did she come from, in her tank top and pajama bottoms in the middle of… 

“Why are you trying to knock down Mrs. Seadel’s door at 2.00 am in the morning? Not that she’ll hear you anyway, she’s almost deaf”.

Seadel…?

Catherine squeezed her eyes shut and slapped her forehead, cursing herself. On top of everything that had gone wrong, she’d turned dyslexic as well. Sara was looking even more confused and irritated, judging from the growing flush on her face, now that she was more awake. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Catherine was gawping at her in silence.

“Catherine, what are you doing here?”

Catherine answered by throwing her arms around Sara’s middle and pulling her into a hug. Sara found herself crushed against the wall by the sheer force of Catherine’s embrace. She felt her breath leave her body in a whoosh. Her own arms found their way around Catherine’s back to steady herself. She was finding it difficult to breathe - Catherine was squeezing so tightly - but Sara didn’t mind. In fact the close proximity was doing things to her breathing that had nothing to do with the vice grip of Catherine’s arms. She started to move her hands up and down the firm back in soothing motion.

Sara felt the pressure lessen as Catherine released her body. She immediately missed the warmth and comfort.

“I was so fucking worried about you…I thought I had lost you again.”

“What?” Sara was confused again.

“Sara, Grissom told me everything.“

Sara felt her heart sink and that uneasy feeling growing in the pit of her stomach. She did  _ not _ need to deal with this now. After she had made her mind up. She didn’t want the sympathy.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. “ Denial was her natural defence.

Catherine sighed. She did not go through the turmoil of the last two days just to have Sara bail on her. To hell with the consequences.

“I know how you feel about me. And I want you to know I feel the same way. About us... I mean about you.”

Despite her bravado, Catherine found herself stammering and was sure she was blushing to the roots of her hair. She knew that she should say something more but she hadn’t been so tongue-tied since, well, since never. She decided that actions would speak louder than words in this matter.

Sara was still trying to process what she just heard when she realized that Catherine’s breath was but a few inches away from her face, mingling with her own increasingly rapid ones. All further thought was lost when a warm pair of lips pressed against her own. The first touch was almost chaste and innocent, as if it was not happening at all. Sara edged her tongue between Catherine’s lips seeking permission to continue. Catherine’s involuntary gasp granted Sara entrance into the warm cocoon of her mouth. Then all hell broke loose.

Catherine groaned at the sensation as tongue tangled with tongue, the sweet vanilla taste of Sara in reality more sensuous than anything she had possibly imagined. She pulled Sara even closer to her, delighting in the way the contours of their bodies moulded together perfectly. Sara slipped her hands under leather and caressed Catherine’s back, separated from her skin by only the thinness of a shirt. Even that barrier was too much.

Catherine was so lost in the sensual kiss that she almost didn’t notice her shirt being pulled out of her slacks until warm fingertips grazed against her waist. The sensation made her breath hitch. Breaking away from the kiss but not losing contact with the softness and heat of Sara’s skin, her lips trailed down the slender neck, teasing, nibbling and tasting flesh along the way. Her mouth moved further and further down the vee of Sara’s tank top, the curve of a breast tantalizingly close, when she felt the hands caressing her waist pushing her away slightly.

“Catherine…”

Catherine groaned in response, barely hearing Sara, her mind and body lost in the feel and heat of the skin beneath her lips.

“Cath...”

The hands were pushing gently but more insistently. Catherine willed her heartbeat to slow down as she looked up at Sara. The sight of the flushed, breathless woman trapped between the cool brick wall and her body, sent shivers of delight down her back. Her hesitation, however, brought Catherine back to reality.

“Sara.. I’m sorry… shit…I didn’t mean to…oh god.” A flush of embarrassment was rising in her cheeks as she instinctively pushed away from Sara.

Sara felt Catherine’s body stiffen as she pulled away so she kept her hands on Catherine’s hips to keep her from breaking all contact. Stepping forward, she pulled the soft blonde curls onto her chest.

“I’m not complaining,” Sara breathed softly into Catherine’s hair. She could still feel the heat of Catherine’s embarrassment from the cheek pressed against the crook of her neck. Sara leaned forward to place a reassuring kiss on the top of Catherine’s head.

“I’m so glad you came.”  _ Understatement of the year. _

“I’m sorry I didn’t know sooner...”

Sara outlined a finger on Catherine’s lips, silencing her. Lips replaced the finger in a tender kiss of unspoken forgiveness. When the kiss broke, Catherine lost herself again in the steady thumping of Sara’s heartbeat as she snuggled up against her chest.

“But you know now and that’s all that matters. I want to know all about you, Catherine Willows, but we  _ are _ in the hallway and I think we should continue this conversation inside.” Sara gently pulled Catherine towards her apartment door.


	16. Chapter 16

Catherine's heartbeat was going a mile a minute as they entered the right door. The desire and want was even stronger now that she was actually here with Sara but the adrenaline rush which had fuelled her courage had somewhat faded. For all her experience, she was so nervous that she did not know what to do. Sara was too important for her to screw things up with.

Once the door closed behind them, Sara pulled Catherine into another kiss. This one was gentler but still full of promise. As their lips parted, Catherine realised that she liked the breathless feeling that it gave to her. It had been a long time since she’d been giddy like that.

Her eyes took in the room they were in. This was Sara’s inner sanctum. The apartment was dimly lit and pristine. Chairs, table and sofa were in perfect order, as if unused. In fact, the apartment was almost sterile. No dirty dishes in the kitchen sink. No unwashed laundry – it was like walking into an IKEA showroom. The only sign of human habitation was the unmade bed she could see through the open bedroom door. Come to think of it, Sara was equally disheveled in her tank top and drawstring bottoms, hair mussed up and eyes swollen.

Catherine suddenly realized how silly and impulsive she must have seem.

“I woke you up… I’m sorry.”

Sara shook her head.

“I wasn’t having much luck in that department. I don’t think I dozed off for more than ten minutes at a time the whole night. Guess I’ve been sleeping too much lately.” Sara tried to smile but her voice was shaky.

“Oh sweetie... I am so sorry.” Anything that Catherine could say seemed pathetically insufficient at the moment. She hung her head, concentrating on the tiled floor instead. Catherine could not trust herself to meet Sara’s gaze without breaking down in tears. Didn’t seem to be working, from the way her vision was blurring up.

Sara lifted Catherine’s face and gazed into teary blue eyes. “Don’t be. It’s not your fault.” Her arms wrapped around Catherine once again in an embrace full of forgiveness. She seemed to be magnetically drawn to Catherine’s body the moment they got within two feet of each other. They relished in the warmth and realization of how well they fitted together until Sara chuckled lightly while shaking her head.

Catherine stared warily at Sara. There was actually humour in this?

“Something funny?”

“You’ve been flustered and said sorry to me more times tonight then in the entire time I’ve known you. Who would have thought Catherine Willows could be so sweet? I could get used to this… ”

Catherine pulled back a little and raised an eyebrow in mock anger.

“Don’t get too comfy, missy…” Catherine paused a second before continuing. “Are you trying to tell me something?”

Sara held her gaze intently. All humour had disappeared from her face. The look of regret and contrition that replaced it almost broke Catherine’s heart.

“I shouldn’t have given you anything to be sorry about. I should have been honest with you a long time ago. I…”

Catherine cupped Sara’s face with both hands and leaned her forehead against Sara’s, bringing them nose-to-nose.

“Don’t, Sara. I can think of better ways for you to make up for it…” she whispered. Before Sara could respond, Catherine slipped her hands underneath Sara’s tank top and began to ease it slowly up her sides.

Sara leaned in again to capture Catherine’s lips with her own as her own hands found their way to the firm cheeks of Catherine’s ass. As their tongues dueled and tangled, Catherine’s hands roamed to the soft skin on the underside of her breasts. Sara had to break the kiss to draw a ragged gasp. The sensation of expert fingers on sensitive skin made it difficult for her to breathe. The fingers were now flitting over her nipples, causing them to harden and ache with anticipation. Catherine’s mouth found the pulse at the crook of her neck and was sucking it gently.

Sara’s throat was feeling remarkably dry and coherent speech was getting to be an effort.

“Catherine, will you sleep with me tonight? “

Catherine reluctantly relinquished the soft flesh beneath her tongue.

“I thought you’d never ask…”

One look at the blue eyes darkened with desire told Sara that Catherine’s idea of sleep – albeit much more enticing - was not what Sara had in mind. Her own arousal almost made her regret what she was going to say next.

“Cath, I want nothing more than to make passionate love to you right here and now. But I want it to be just right.”

Catherine’s expression fell a little.

“Can you just sleep with me tonight? I don’t want to wake up alone.” Sara’s voice was soft, almost childlike. She hoped that Catherine would understand. She wanted the first time they made love to be perfect. Not some brief encounter borne from the aftermath of her foolish act.

Even without Sara speaking out her fears, Catherine instinctively relaxed and knew what she was feeling. She eased her hands from under Sara’s top and circled them around her waist instead.

“We have all the time in the world. Whatever you need now, I’m here for you.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, posted the wrong chapter earlier. Luckily my wife keeps me right...

“I can’t sleep…”

They had been lying snuggled together for some time now. Sara had her arm drawn around Catherine’s shoulders stroking the blonde curls that nestled on her chest. Even in the near darkness of the early dawn, Sara could tell that Catherine was still awake. Perhaps the comfort and warmth of having another body in bed was as unusual an experience for Catherine as it was for Sara. Sara found herself smiling possessively at that thought.

“Me too… you’re aren’t exactly helping.” Catherine smiled against Sara’s skin.

“Me? I’ve been behaving myself, haven’t I ? Otherwise, my dear, you would not be so overdressed at the moment.” Catherine could almost imagine Sara raising her eyebrows in protest above her.

Instead, what she felt was Sara moving the hand from her hair to trace her knuckles down Catherine’s cheek and neck before resting on collar of the oversized nightshirt she was wearing.

“Tease…Sara, the moment I realized my feelings for you, even being in the same room with you was distracting.”

Sara could not help the flush of delight tingling down her spine.

“Hmmphh...barely two days and you’re already complaining. You’ve been distracting me for four years. Do you know how many times I’ve dreamed this only to wake up disappointed? Come to think of it, maybe I’m in an erotic dream right now and you’re not even real…” Sara continued to tease.

Catherine decided to play along.

“Is this real enough for you?” Catherine pushed Sara’s tank top up and gently nipped the soft skin of her belly with her teeth. Sara groaned.

“Or maybe this…” Catherine’s lips continued the trail of nips up towards Sara’s chest, exposing bare flesh along the way.

Sara tilted the wayward mouth towards her and seared it with a kiss. Catherine wasn’t making it easy for her.

“Keep it up and you’ll be lucky if can get out of bed…”

“Don’t say that I didn’t offer, honey… you’re the one who turned me down.” Catherine tried to sound as pouty as she could.

Sara felt a sudden jolt of insecurity hit her. She did not want Catherine to think that she was pushing her away.

“Cat, I want everything to be just right for us. I’m just afraid…” Sara’s voice wavered.

Immediately, Catherine stopped teasing and pulled herself up Sara’s body so she could look her in the eye.

“What’s wrong? You can tell me anything…”

Sara took a deep breath. “I just want you to be sure of this relationship. What we are starting. I don’t want you to regret being with me.”

Catherine was overwhelmed at Sara’s admission. How could she think that, when Catherine was here, lying in her arms?

“After all that’s happened, how can you doubt how I feel ? Have I hurt you that much? Or was I wrong to think you wanted this as much as I did…” Catherine felt a sudden panic welling up inside her.

Sara moved a hand to silence any further words.

“I want this more than anything in the world. Having you in my arms, I can’t think of being anywhere else but here.”

Catherine was confused now.

“Then what is it?”

Sara was silent for long moments. When she spoke again, her voice came out in a whisper.

“I almost handed in my resignation today. I was going to leave Vegas and start fresh somewhere else. Maybe go back to San Francisco.”

Catherine stopped breathing. Her hand grabbed for Sara’s as if she was afraid that Sara would disappear. Sara squeezed it reassuringly. Her breath came back.

“Why?” She almost didn’t want to know, especially if she had even the smallest part to do with it.

“I didn’t want to see you everyday if I couldn’t have you, even as a friend. And after what happened at the hospital, I was sure that you hated me. I went to the lab today; I needed to say my goodbyes one last time. I saw the guys, Grissom but they didn’t know I was there.”

Sara paused to contemplate her next words. “I think that deep down inside, I wanted to see you one last time, maybe hoping against all hope that things were still ok between us, but you weren’t there. So I left. ”

Catherine was stunned by the revelation. She nearly lost Sara twice. Because she was not there when Sara needed her. Thank god it was third time lucky.

Sensing Catherine’s need for reassurance, she continued. “You know what made me change my mind? I saw you. In my mind. I realized that I was tied to you even if I ran a thousand miles away. Even if you hated me for the rest of your life.”

Catherine felt her body relax again.

“I’ve never hated you. That was just me being too blind and self-absorbed to see the truth staring me in the face.”

“My confidence is a little shot, I guess. What I’m trying to say is that I have this gift of fucking up my relationships. The last time…. ” Sara’s voice faltered and filled up with emotion.

“Want to talk about it? Hank? ” Catherine prodded gently.

Sara shook her head. “It was a lifetime ago..”

“But it’s still hurting you. Please Sara, let me help you.” Catherine pleaded.

Sara pulled Catherine into her tightly. “Just promise me that you will be here when I wake up.”

“I promise.”

Catherine laid her head back onto Sara’s chest. She could feel Sara relaxing and tension slipping out of her body as her breathing grew deeper. The rhythm of Sara’s steady breathing was soothing, making her eyes grow heavy. Her last thought before she drifted off to sleep was of how she was going to make Sara feel so safe and loved that she would be able to lay her ghosts to rest.


	18. Chapter 18

Even through the haze of sleep, she could feel eyes looking at her.

“Good morning...or, actually it’s afternoon.”

She opened her eyes to an angel smiling down on her. An apt analogy. Catherine’s hair was shimmering in the sunlight.

Sara stretched her arms over her head, exposing the smooth expanse of her abdomen. Catherine couldn’t help but keep staring at that creamy strip of flesh that her mouth had tasted but a few hours ago. Sara’s voice finally distracted her.

“Mmmm… you’re awake. Sleep good?”

The bed dipped as Catherine sat down beside Sara, leaning in to give her a quick kiss as her hand roamed to touch that patch of skin.

“Yeah…I haven’t slept this well in forever.”

Sara felt her muscles twitch as fiery hot fingers ran over her skin. She pushed her back up against the headboard and sat up. Her arms automatically circled around Catherine’s waist.

“Must be my bed.”

Catherine grinned seductively at Sara and leaned close enough to taste an earlobe, before breathing into her ear.

“Oh, I don’t know, it may have something to do with the person in it.”

Sara felt the heat rise in her at the sensation of Catherine’s tongue, coupled with the skimming touches she was fighting a losing battle to ignore.

“Are you always so witty after you wake up? ‘Cause, if you are, I’ll have to let you win. My brain doesn’t even function till after my first cup of coffee.”

“Speaking of which....” Catherine straightened herself up and handed Sara the steaming mug which had been sitting on the bedside table.

Sara grabbed it gratefully and took a long sip. Catherine almost laughed out loud at the look of bliss and ecstasy on Sara’s face.

“I’m beginning to get jealous of that coffee…”

Sara drained the mug and set it back on the table.

“Well, then you obviously have no idea what you do to me.”

Sara leaned forward to place a light kiss on Catherine’s lips. She tasted the sweetness that was Catherine, laced with the coffee that she must have drunk earlier, before pulling back.

“That’s because you always distract me when we’re close...”

Catherine looked Sara squarely in the eye.

“I can only get close if you let me.”

The air turned somber. As difficult as this was, it was an issue neither of them could avoid if they were going to have any chance of making a relationship work. Sara knew that Catherine was talking about her hesitation the previous night.

“Cath, about last night...” She was unsure how to continue.

“I don’t want you to tell me or do anything if you’re not ready. But I’m ready to wait until you are. I want to know all about you, Sara.”

Sara wanted so badly to share her pain with Catherine but she did not know how to. Slowly, an idea began to form in her mind.

“Come away with me…”

Catherine raised an eyebrow incredulously. Sara had defenses more complicated than the Pentagon.

“You’re avoiding the subject, Sara.”

“I’m serious. I have the next two weeks off. Surely you can get Grissom to give you a couple of days?” Sara practically whined.

“Why, Ms. Sidle, is that a proposition?” Catherine drawled in a mock Southern accent.

“You said you wanted to know everything about me. I guarantee I’ll make it worth your while.” Sara’s voice dropped to a husky level.

“Promises, promises…”

Sara answered by pulling Catherine closer to her. She started running her knuckles up and down the placket of buttons on Catherine’s shirt. Catherine gulped hard; oxygen seem to be in short supply at the moment. She concentrated instead on the thoughts running through her head.

“I...” Sara undid one button.

_ Oh God. _

“...promise...” And the next.

_ I can’t breathe. _

“...that ...” A third popped open.

_ I can’t think of anything... _

She wasted no time in slipping her fingers under the material of the bra.

“...we will learn...”

_...except how good this feels... _

The other hand slipped a bra-strap down Catherine’s shoulder.

“...everything about each other...”

_ I’m going to die if she doesn’t touch me now. _

"...if you come."

All further talk was unnecessary as Sara’s mouth claimed the pink treasure laid bare before her. Catherine fell back onto the bed. Every bone in her body had been turned to ashes by the fire ravishing through her. Sara refused to relinquish the flesh she was sucking on and crawled on top of Catherine. Her other hand ran up and down Catherine’s inner thigh causing Catherine to squirm under her caresses. Sara’s knee found its way between the slightly parted thighs and applied the faintest of pressure on the apex. Catherine was sure her lower body had turned to liquid.

Sara slowly moved from between Catherine’s leg and finally released the now swollen nub, giving it one last lick. She planted a kiss on her lips, silencing Catherine’s groan of frustration as she replaced the bra-strap and did up the buttons again.

As the blonde woman struggled to come back to her senses, Sara sat back against the headboard with a grin on her face.

“So, do you accept my invitation, Ms. Willows?”

Right now, Catherine would go to the moon and back with Sara.

“I would love to go away with you. We have some unfinished business to settle.”

Sara’s grin grew wider. The pieces of her plan were clicking together in her head. A thought flashed across her mind.

“How are you going to get Grissom to give you time off?”

“Guess I’ll have to start practising my sexiest smile and bat my eyelashes at Gil.”

Sara put on her pouty face.

“Hey, I can get jealous too…”

“Honey, he doesn’t stand a ghost of a chance next to you.”

Even though she was only teasing , Catherine’s reply made her smile.

“Yeah, I suppose you’d probably get better results if you bribed him with a new pet spider or some other six-legged creature.”

“Well, I definitely prefer the two sexy ones in front of me now.” Catherine traced a hand up Sara’s thigh and lingered between her legs.

Even through the barrier of cloth, the sensation sent a warm heat through Sara’s body. She was seriously considering changing her mind about waiting when Catherine stood up and placed a kiss on the top of Sara’s head.

_ Two can play the game. _

“I’ve got to get home. I need to see Lindsey and then get ready for work. And of course work on charming Grissom...”

“Are you sure you’re not the one with unrequited love for him?”

That earned Sara a playful push.

“I miss you already.” Sara wrapped Catherine in a tight embrace, almost not wanting to let go. A smoldering kiss later, Catherine disentangled herself reluctantly.

“Me too, baby. You get some rest. I’ll make it up to you later with the good news.”

After Catherine left, Sara stayed curled up in bed. She’d never felt more relaxed or peaceful. It was as if someone had released bindings on her chest and, for the first time for a long while, she was learning to breathe again.


	19. Chapter 19

Catherine decided that the best thing she could do for Sara to open up was just to be there for her. Even if it meant not asking any questions about why Sara brought her here. Not that she was complaining: the time away from work and Vegas was relaxing, and of course being able to spend time with Sara was actually all the incentive she needed. Grissom was uncharacteristically understanding, and in fact gave her the whole week off. His people skills must be improving.

She broke out of her reverie and took in the sight before her. She could see that the house was once beautiful and probably had a nice garden at one time. The garden had obviously suffered from neglect of late, from the way the weeds had grown over all visible ground. The weather-worn walls needed a fresh coat of paint.

“Damn…”

Catherine smiled at the sight of the tall brunette struggling with the door. She had her ‘Sara look’ again – brows furrowed and teeth gritted determinedly. Her eyes were dark and intense as nimble fingers worked the uncooperative lock, as if they could melt the metal away under her gaze.

“Need some help there?”

Catherine couldn’t help but think back to her most recent, almost disastrous attempt to open a door. Luckily, Sara was more level-headed than to be opening the wrong door.

“I got it… just give me a minute…”

The lock had obviously not been opened in a while. And from the increasingly loud rattling, Catherine could tell that Sara was losing her patience. Images of being arrested for breaking and entering flashed through her thoughts again. Thankfully, the lock finally clicked and the door creaked open.

Sara looked up at Catherine, a victorious smirk on her face. Catherine returned a grateful smile. Grabbing Catherine’s hand, Sara led her through the doorway into a living room. The air was musty and stale, mixed with a tangy scent. Catherine could make out the shape of a sofa, some chairs and a table under a protective thick white cloth. There was a fireplace beneath the mantle and at the other end of the room was a patio door shrouded by a pair of curtains.

Catherine allowed herself to be propelled forward as Sara swept aside the curtains and slid open the glass. As they stepped out into the cool breeze and the smell of salt, Catherine gasped at what lay before her.

“Sara, this is so beautiful.”

They were standing on a verandah; a weather worn deckchair was propped open at one side. Sand lay before her and, beyond that, the wide expanse of azure water and the setting sun had tinged the undulating surface with faint a crimson hue. Catherine automatically kicked off her shoes, her feet sinking slightly into the sand. She felt a shiver of delight as the soft texture of sand caressed her feet with each step forward. She was halfway down the beach when she realized that Sara was still standing on the verandah, arms crossed and toothy grin on her face.

Catherine smiled and extended an arm, beckoning Sara to join her.

Removing her own shoes, Sara padded across the beach into Catherine’s arms. They stood in silence, enjoying the warmth of each other’s embrace and the sunset.

Long minutes passed before Sara broke the silence.

“You like the view?”

“All of it.”

From the desire burning in Catherine’s eyes, Sara knew that she was referring to more than just the scenery. She knew because the same desire rose through her body every time she looked at Catherine.

“You gave this up to come to Las Vegas?” Catherine’s voice was almost incredulous.

Sara chuckled at the question. They were now sitting on the sand, Catherine between Sara’s legs, her body leaning into Sara’s chest while Sara wrapped her limbs possessively around her from behind.

“This was a lifetime ago.”

Sara’s voice suddenly sounded sad. Catherine hugged Sara’s legs closer to her body, willing her to continue. The reassurance of Catherine’s action gave her strength but Sara did not have the courage to look into her eyes as she prepared to reveal her thoughts. Instead, Sara let her gaze rest on a point in the horizon

“I gave this up to run away from a broken heart. This place brought back too many memories of Andy.”

Even the security of Sara’s body around hers could not stop the flush of jealousy Catherine felt. She tried to keep her voice as neutral as possible.

“Old boyfriend?” She almost choked on the words.

“Andrea. She was my first girlfriend.” The feeling grew even heavier in Catherine’s chest.

“We met senior year in college and I fell in love with her. She came back with me to San Francisco and for the first time in my life, everything was going well. I had my job at CSI and she worked as a lawyer with a private firm downtown.”

“The two of you lived in this house?”

“Andy always loved the beach. For me, this was a haven, a place to detach myself after seeing all the sick things people do to each other every day. Of course it helped to have someone to come home to”

“Why did you leave?”

Catherine was determined to understand all of Sara, even if it meant that the answers she sought hurting her. She had to keep reminding herself that Sara was with her now and that was all that mattered.

“Her parents found out about us. And did not hesitate to tell her how perverted and sick they thought we were.”

Sara’s voice was bitter with a hint of anger.

“They wanted nothing to do with her if she chose to be with me. The person who made her  _ strange _ . It really tore Andy up inside because she had spent her whole life gaining their approval.”

“What happened then?”

“I loved her but I didn’t want her to choose. So I made the choice for her and pushed her away. It was the most difficult decision I had to make but I wanted her to hate me so that she could move on. Go back to her family. The night she left, she told me that I would never see her again if I let her walk out the door and I didn’t stop her.”

Sara paused and Catherine could feel her chest rising and falling as if she was trying to contain the sobs that were threatening to burst out. She sat up and drew Sara’s head to her chest. Tears spilt out at last and all Catherine could do was to keep holding her as she released her pain.

“They found her in her office that night. Unconscious; gunshot wound to the chest. The police said that she probably surprised an intruder. The doctors tried their best but they could not save her. And it’s all my fault… I shouldn’t have… if only I didn’t…”

Sara could not continue to speak and her next words came out in sobs. Catherine hugged her even closer, and ran her fingers through Sara’s hair.

“Sssshhh…baby, it’s not your fault. The bastard who pulled the trigger killed her.”

Sara shook her head.

“If I hadn’t sent her away...”

Catherine gripped her body tightly forced Sara to look into her eyes.

“You have to stop tearing yourself apart like this and let the past go. Please, baby…”

Sara’s body slowly stopped shaking and quietened under Catherine’s soothing touch.

“Is that why you left San Francisco?”

Sara nodded. She felt lighter than she ever had for a long time.“They couldn’t even find the shooter and I couldn’t bear to be reminded of how badly I had fucked up. I knew I had to start afresh and when Grissom called, I jumped at the chance. Las Vegas seemed to be as different a place as I could get to. Until I met you.”

“Me?”

“When I realized that I was falling for you, it freaked me out. I didn’t want to mess up another person’s life again. The more I grew to love you, the more it scared me.That’s why I was being such a bitch to you.”

Catherine smiled ruefully at the memories of their numerous disagreements.

“It takes two, Sara, and I wasn’t exactly the victim in our relationship. I do bitch pretty well too.”

That at least got a smile out of Sara. Catherine lifted Sara’s lips to her own and captured them in a searing kiss, pulling away only when neither could breathe.

“That’s why I brought you here, Catherine. I wanted you to see my past before we go any further. If you want nothing to do with me after knowing all this, I’d understa-”

Catherine cut her off with another kiss.

“Sara, there are so many things I want to do with and to you that talk would not do justice to….”

Her lips proceeded to demonstrate her intentions as they grazed Sara’s skin; teasing, exploring her neck with a desire that was growing with every second. Sara wanted nothing more than to give in but she needed the certainty.

“Catherine, are you sure? I’d rather have you just as a friend than lose you forever…”

Even as she spoke those words, her hands reached to stroke Catherine's waist.

With Catherine’s mouth devouring skin and flesh, inching towards her heaving breasts and her hands creeping surreptitiously under her shirt, Sara didn’t know how she could stop now, if Catherine actually changed her mind. She said a silent prayer of thanks when she felt her body being pressed urgently into the sand.

“Too late Sara…”


	20. Chapter 20

Catherine laid Sara down upon the soft sand of the beach and climbed on top to straddle her body. She knew that she was being aggressive but she needed Sara to have no further doubts. Fingers fumbled at the front of Sara’s shirt while her mouth devoured the slender neck hungrily. The buttons were exasperatingly uncooperative and eventually her lips had to give up their feast to give them her full attention.

Sara could see that Catherine’s fingers were trembling – frustration, excitement or both? – the sight of which caused her lips to curl into a smile. She reached out to cover the fingers with her own.

“Here, let me help you…”

As if by magic, the buttons popped open under Sara’s hand in a matter of seconds.

Catherine let out a nervous sigh. “I am usually a lot smoother than this.”

The same hand traced a cheekbone tenderly. “You’re perfect.” Sara’s hands found their way into the silky softness of Catherine hair, drawing her even closer. “Just remind me to wear something without buttons the next time.”

Catherine growled in reply and quickly pushed the offending garment apart. A cool breeze hit Sara’s chest as her shirt fell away. Her skin was all goose bumps in the chill, only to be soothed moments later by warm wet lips trailing kisses everywhere. Catherine’s teeth teased her taut nipples through a barrier of sheer black silk that was just barely there.

“Mmmm.... silk… not quite what I expected.”

“You had expectations? I guess we’d better stop just in case I’m not up to them…” Sara teased back.

Catherine answered by peeling away the silk and suckling one breast while her hand reached between sand and skin to release the clasp. As the bra released to give her better access, Catherine’s hand started to caress one globe as her mouth continued to minister to the other. Sara was lost in the multitude of sensations but still managed to pull Catherine’s sweater from her slacks. Her hands trailed up the smooth back of her lover, revealing skin as they progressed. Catherine reluctantly gave up Sara’s breasts so she could pull the sweater off. As she caught her breath, she was pleased to notice her own lust mirrored in her lover’s gaze. Sara could not take her eyes off the heaving chest clad in the sheerest of lingerie.

“You are so beautiful,” Sara whispered while tracing a finger reverently over the silk. Catherine let out a moan as she felt her nipples harden instantly.

Reaching behind, Sara undid the bra and immediately reached to cup the ample breasts before her. She could feel the heat of Catherine’s centre pressing even harder into her body as she continued to touch and stroke. Her own centre was liquid fire and throbbing in anticipation.

Their mouths tangled again and the first feel of breast on breast was driving them both into a frenzy. Sara reached her hands to caress the firm muscles of Catherine’s ass, reveling in the way they twitched and flexed under her touch. She slipped both hands under the waistband and almost stopped breathing when she encountered only warm flesh. She moved a hand around to rest between their bodies and found her fingers separated from Catherine’s core by only the miniscule triangle of a thong. Sara rubbed gently on the damp silk.

Catherine’s breaths were coming in uneven gasps even as she was busy exploring every inch of Sara’s mouth, the slender fingers so near to where she desperately wanted them. She ground her hips harder against Sara’s body. Catherine groaned in protest as Sara removed her hands from her slacks, and then sighed expectantly again when the same hands undid the button and lowered the zip of her slacks. The unwanted barrier was soon lost, along with the thong. The friction of denim on her wet centre was distracting to say the least and she needed to feel Sara’s heat on her own.

The sight of Catherine completely naked sent a fresh gush of wetness to Sara’s centre. Her jeans were getting very uncomfortable.

“Jeans…” 

Catherine needed no further encouragement.

Impatient fingers grappled with the button fly and, to her delight, Sara did not have any underwear on. Catherine found herself growing even wetter that Sara had predicted her own seduction. As Sara lifted her hips for Catherine to pull the jeans away, rough curls meshed together, sending jolts of electricity coursing through both their bodies.

Wasting no more time, Catherine started tracing her hands down Sara’s body. She loved the way the brunette was writhing under her expert touch. Her lips followed the trail of her fingers, stopping just short of the dark curls. She rubbed her nose against them, inhaling and memorizing the musky scent . As her skillful tongue parted the folds, her mouth found the sleek treasure hidden within. Sara was bucking her hips in anticipation begging Catherine to give her the touch that she wanted most.

Catherine did not deny her. Plunging two fingers into the warm abyss as Sara’s hips rose to meet her at the same time, Catherine started a frantic rhythm that Sara mirrored. Teasing and exploration could come later. Right now, they needed the relief. The moans and chants signaled that Sara was near her peak. Steadying the writhing hips with one hand, Catherine began sucking on Sara’s clit, the double attack pushing Sara over the edge. 

Catherine slowed her movements but did not stop completely until the slick muscles released their grip on her drenched fingers. She kissed her way up Sara’s body and placed a chaste kiss on her lips.

Stars were flashing before Sara’s eyes and for a minute, she thought she had actually blacked out from the intensity of her orgasm. Until she realized that those were actually stars. The constellation Orion to be exact. She had no idea why she remembered that. Obviously Sara had no control over her thoughts through the post-orgasmic haze.

“You are amazing…” Sara could barely speak above a whisper.

“So irresistible… I couldn’t help myself,” Catherine purred between kisses. Sara did look so beautiful, lying there with body flushed from exertion and arousal.

“Let me help you…”

Catherine gasped as nimble fingers began stroking her inner thighs. As they crept closer and closer to her centre, Catherine leaned back and parted her legs even wider in anticipation. From her vantage point, Sara had the most delicious view of pink wet flesh. The cinnamon musk of Catherine’s excitement mingled with the salt in the air and Sara could almost taste it in her mouth. Sara teased a little at first, just rubbing her index finger up and down the moist slit without entering, occasionally lingering on her swollen clitoris. Sara grinned satisfactorily as her abdomen grew increasingly wet with the fruit of her labour.

Catherine moaned in frustration, thrusting her hips toward the errant finger.

“Sara, please… I need….”

Sara slowly slid a finger inside her. Muscles clamped on her digit and drew it in. She began a slow sliding motion in and out. Catherine needed it harder. She threw her head back and planted both hands into the sand on either side of their bodies. Even though her palms gained little purchase on the shifting surface, it gave her just enough leverage to push herself hard against Sara’s taunting finger. As Catherine rode her finger, Sara could do no more than to keep up with the manic pace Catherine’s hips were setting.

“More…” Catherine growled.

Sara obliged by adding a second finger, then a third. Catherine was close to her climax; Sara knew from the way a pink flush was creeping up her chest and the increasingly erratic breathing. She curled her fingers seeking that elusive spot. The moaning grew rougher, interspersed with curses until it exploded in a scream. Sara felt her body turn liquid again at the sound of her name at her lover’s peak.

As her breathing gained some semblance of normality, Catherine collapsed on top of Sara, her body totally weak with exertion.

“Welcome back…” Sara teased.

Catherine silenced her with a slow kiss. Not wanting to crush Sara under the weight of her spent body, Catherine rolled over to the side. She groaned as aching muscles protested her movement. Sara propped her head on one hand and chuckled lightly.

“Had enough already?” An eyebrow rose challengingly.

“ You wish… I’ve just been out of practice lately,” Catherine retorted playfully.

“I wish, huh… well, I wish to take you inside now. And then, we’re going to practise some more. Wouldn’t do to have you out of shape…”

Before Catherine could reply with anything witty, Sara scrambled to her feet and scooped Catherine up in her arms. Catherine curled both arms around Sara’s neck and pulled her in for a smoldering kiss as they headed towards a warmer refuge.


	21. Chapter 21

The velvet tongue was merciless in its torment of her slick flesh; increasing in speed and intensity till the muscles beneath it trembled, only to slow down again to a languorous, teasing rhythm. Catherine moaned in frustration and was seriously considering taking care of herself when the cycle began again. Her lover added fingertips on the already hypersensitive tip of her nub causing even more fluid to spill. The greedy tongue instantly lapped this up. Her flavour was divine. Sara was losing control as her own arousal grew steadily and the resolve to inflict slow and delicious torture on the woman beneath her was crumbling. Still, she mustered the effort to halt the movement of her tongue once again.

This time when the strokes slowed, Catherine was audibly cursing and pleading Sara for release. Or at least for her tongue to get back to work. Instead, she felt her legs being pulled even further apart and raised to drape across strong shoulders. Sara looked up into Catherine’s eyes. Never before had she seen such pure lust reflected back at her. With her core completely exposed, Catherine held her breath in anticipation for what was to come. Sara did not disappoint. Their eyes did not leave each other as Sara plunged two fingers inside as deep as they could go, hitting bottom when Catherine bucked her hips to meet her. This time, she did not break the rhythm until Catherine howled out in pleasure.

When she’d calmed down again somewhat, Sara crawled up the bed to spoon Catherine’s body from behind. Catherine was still gasping for her breath but Sara could not help but gaze at her hungrily. Even after, what, the fifth time, her desire for the blonde goddess had not diminished at all. Her own body was pleasantly sore from the exercise of muscles long unused. She had lost track of how much time had actually passed but it must have been long hours for the sky outside was lightening up again. Not that it mattered; she was exactly where she wanted to be, doing what she could only fantasize about for so long.

Catherine rolled over to face her lover, automatically running fingers round Sara’s left nipple. The action elicited a shudder and fingers still embedded in her heat started moving again. Catherine groaned in protest, stilling Sara’s arm.

“If we start again, I won’t be able to get out of bed for a long time…”

“Sounds like a good plan to me…” Sara was grinning broadly. Never had another person made her feel so free, light and brought out the sexy part of her so spontaneously as Catherine did.

“Please, baby…”

Sara slowly pulled her fingers out, creating a little sucking sound. Even that was a turn on for her. Catherine immediately missing her touch, pulling Sara’s body towards her own, throwing a leg possessively over the naked thigh. She curled an arm beneath Sara’s neck so that she could drown herself within the soft brown hair. The other hand was content gently tracing the side of Sara’s face down to her neck. They lay there, skin to skin; feeling each other’s heartbeats.

“I wish we could stay here like this forever…”

Sara hummed her approval at the idea.

“Yeah, no more dead bodies or bugs.”

Expecting some sexy retort, Catherine was a little surprised by her answer.

“I thought you loved your job…”

“I do. But I was at the point of obsessing with the work. I finally realized that I was using my job to avoid dealing with my feelings. I thought that it would be enough.”

“It wasn’t? “

“No. I used Vegas to run away from my hurtful memories here. And I was using my work to run away from my attraction for you. Both exercises in futility.”

Catherine badly wanted to ask the next question but was afraid of the answer. “Sara, does it still hurt to be here. The memories?”

She bit her lower lip nervously when Sara kept silent.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

Sara squeezed Catherine reassuringly.

“No, it’s not that. I just realized it doesn’t hurt anymore. I guess I will always have memories of Andy but I know now that I’ve moved on. Having you here with me puts my life in perspective. I love you.”

Catherine couldn’t believe the depth of emotions she felt for the woman lying next to her. There was no better way of expressing it. She drew willing lips into a passionate kiss.

“I love you too, Sara. I’m so glad you brought me home with you.”

Sara shook her head gently.

“ _ This _ is home for me…” Sara tilted her head to place a kiss on Catherine’s heartbeat. “And. I hope...for us,” she added shyly.

Catherine drew one hand from the beautiful face and splayed her fingers on Sara’s chest.

“Always…”

It didn’t hurt anymore when she breathed.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first multi-chapter fic I wrote in the way before time. I've decided that I'd post it even though vigorous editing will be required in the process.


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